How to Escape an Abuser with Your Children

This article was updated in 2026.

Key Takeaways:

• Leaving an abusive partner can be dangerous, especially when children are involved. A personalized safety plan can help survivors prepare for a safer escape. 
• Domestic violence advocates can help survivors find shelter, legal assistance, financial resources and support navigating custody concerns. 
• Children are affected by domestic violence even when they aren’t physically hurt. Honest, age-appropriate conversations and ongoing emotional support can help them begin to heal.

Survivors often stay with an abusive partner because they’re trying to protect their children. And survivors leave because they’re trying to protect them, too. It’s a painful paradox too many survivors struggle with daily because they know that often leaving an abuser can be just as dangerous as staying. 

For some survivors, staying can feel like the safer choice, at least in the short-term. They may believe they can better protect their children by remaining in the home, placating the abuser. Many fear that leaving will provoke violence they cannot control. 

Other survivors may have nowhere to go, no financial independence or have legitimate fear that the family court system will rule in the abuser’s favor when it comes to deciding custody. A survivor told DomesticShelters.org that she chose to return to her abusive ex with her daughter, who was court-ordered to see her father, saying, “If he’s going to kill her, at least she won’t have to die alone.”

All of these risks can be terrifying, but survivors should know they’re not alone. Survivor Anna Lee doubted she could survive leaving her abusive husband, and for a while, she thought she may have lost her two young children to him forever. But with the help of an advocate, she regained her children and her freedom. 

“I don’t want to sugarcoat anything,” she says in “How to Leave an Abusive Relationship.” “It is hard beyond description. It’s hard for you, it’s hard for the kids. It’s going to work every single fiber of your emotional muscles. There are still ongoing issues, but it’s absolutely worth it. I’m 44 and for the first time in my life I am able to make my own decisions.”

When Is the Safest Time to Leave an Abuser?

From the outside of a relationship, it may seem like the only response to abuse is to leave immediately, not weeks, months or years into abuse. But it’s hardly ever that simple. Only the survivor knows when it’s safest to leave because only the survivor knows what their abusive partner is truly capable of. 

Ideally, the safest time to leave an abuser is before their abuse escalates. It’s when you notice the very first patterns of controlling behavior. Yet, many survivors will minimize the red flags that they see, understandably. They’re not ready to believe that their partner is capable of abusing them. Many survivors hold out hope that their partner's abuse was a one-time mistake. The abuser also does their part to gaslight the survivor into downplaying any abusive tactics they’re using. This kind of dizzying brainwashing can keep survivors trapped for an indefinite amount of time.

Ultimately, the safest time to leave an abuser is when the survivor feels ready to do so and has a support system to help them. Having a plan in place before leaving—where to go, what to bring, how to support yourself financially, what you’ll do if the abuser tries to lure you back—gives a survivor and their children the greatest chance of safety and in the future. 

Read “True Stories About the Moment Survivors Decided to Leave,” to hear what the final straw was for these survivors. 

Why Leaving Can Be the Most Dangerous Time

Leaving is notoriously the most precarious time for a survivor because the abuser is losing control. Abusive partners use fear, intimidation, shame, threats and violence to control a partner, and when they feel like they no longer have control, they often ramp up the severity of their tactics. Threats of violence become assaults. Shouting becomes shoving and hitting. Monitoring their partner becomes stalking. When there are shared children in the relationship, an abuser may threaten to hurt or hurt the children knowing it can keep a survivor with them out of fear. 

Sometimes, an abuser doesn’t utilize physical violence until the survivor tries to leave. A survivor who feels their partner’s abuse is limited to nonphysical tactics may not think they need to take leaving as seriously as other survivors. But leaving a controlling partner is dangerous in every scenario.

Signs of Risk Escalation

It’s important to take indicators of escalating abuse seriously before it’s too late. Signs an abuser may be escalating their power and control include:

• Verbal or physical assaults no longer behind closed doors—the abuser becomes more controlling or violent in public or in front of friends or family.
• Isolates the survivor from friends or family.
• Obtains a weapon and/or threatens you with a weapon. 
• Displays excessive jealousy or paranoia.
• Pressures you to have sex or use drugs.
• Threatens suicide if you leave.
• A sudden escalation into physical violence.
• Threatens to hurt or kill your pets.
• Threatens to take away (kidnap or secure legal custody of) your children.
• Threatens to kill you or your children.
• Has a history of abusing others.
• Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others. 

When to Seek Emergency Help

Emergency help can mean fleeing to a domestic violence shelter if you feel like you’re no longer safe at home. Since shelters are often at capacity, make sure you share with them all the details you can about the immediacy of your situation. Shelters often have to prioritize survivors with the most imminent threats. 

If you are in immediate danger—the abuser has you trapped; is threatening to kill you, themselves or the children; has a weapon, seems erratic, etc.—call 911. It’s a good idea to also make sure your children know how to call 911. 

Create a Safety Plan Before You Leave

A safety plan is a customized blueprint for survivors ready to leave their abusive partners. A domestic violence advocate can help you to create a safety plan that works for you. In it, you’ll plan where to go when it’s time to leave, what you need to pack, evidence you can compile in case you go to court and what to do if the abuser tries to stop you from leaving. 

A safety plan can involve kids, as well. The amount you share with them depends on their age. You may consider creating a safety word that they or you can say in case of danger. It could indicate to the child that they should go to the neighbor’s house and call 911. See “Safety Planning With Your Kids” for more details. 

Work With an Advocate

You may think the only time you should call a domestic violence shelter is when you’re ready to leave, but that’s not true. Shelter advocates are available on emergency hotlines 24/7 to listen to and support survivors. Working with an advocate often goes beyond just the initial phone call. You can be assigned a case worker who can help guide you as you navigate your way to safety, whether that’s by seeking shelter, moving somewhere else, securing an order of protection and evicting your abusive partner or staying safe until you can leave. An advocate can also help to connect you with legal assistance, law enforcement and free counseling for you and your children. 

You can find an advocate near you through our Find Help page or by searching for the nearest Family Justice Center in your area. 

Choose a Safe Destination

Considering staying at an emergency shelter with your children can be a scary thought. It’s an unknown place and you’ll be housed next to other individuals who have endured serious trauma. But sometimes, escaping an abuser is more about finding the most immediate solution rather than the most ideal one. Long-term solutions can come later. Explaining this to your children can help them better understand that a stay at a shelter is only temporary, and the most important thing is that you’re safe and together. 

Unfortunately, there are far more requests for shelter than there are beds available nationwide. If your shelter is at capacity, there are other places to consider:

• A friend or family member’s house (though you should consider whether the abuser knows this person and can easily locate you there)
• A motel, hotel or Airbnb (consider paying with cash and leaving your cell phone behind so the abuser cannot track you). Shelters may also have hotel vouchers available that provide survivors a few nights’ stay for free.
• Salvation Army or another homeless shelter (there are pros and cons to this).
• Call 211 or contact FamilyPromise.org for other housing options and social services in your area

For more options, see “What To Do If the Domestic Violence Shelter Is Full.”

Electronic or Technological Monitoring

Cyberstalking is a common tactic of abusers that involves tracking someone by their digital footprint. There are many ways abusers can track you online—through spyware you may not even realize is on your phone or computer, through posts on social media, by hacking into your computer or smartphone, and even hacking your car’s GPS system in order to find you. An abuser can also track your child just as easily if they use a smartphone or computer. For steps to take to keep yourself as invisible as possible online read “Protect Your Digital Life Before Leaving an Abuser.”

What to Pack When Leaving with Your Children

If time allows before you leave an abusive partner with your children, try to pack a bag with essential items and store it somewhere outside of your house, such as at a friend or family member’s house, your place of work or in a storage locker. That way, even if you leave in a hurry, you have necessary items waiting for you somewhere else. 

Important items to consider packing include:

• Cash and prepaid credit cards that can’t be traced.
• Keepsakes (i.e. your child’s favorite stuffed animal or toy, family heirlooms).
• Small toys, books or other comfort items for your children.
• Personal journals, images and other evidence proving abuse.
• A few changes of clothing for yourself and your children.
• Car, house and other important keys.
• Eyeglasses, contact lenses, hearing aids and any other medical devices.
• Pet purchase, maintenance and medical records (to prove ownership) plus leash and food.
• Current medications and prescriptions for yourself, your children and pets.
• Your address book or cell phone contacts.
• Prepaid cell phone or a cell phone with a new contract and number.
• A post office box or safe address where you can forward your mail.
• Small valuables you could sell if need be.
• Checks.
• Credit cards, ATM cards and PIN numbers.
• Birth certificates.
• Car title, registration and insurance documentation.
• Apartment rental agreement or house deed.
• Financial records and bank account numbers.
• Immunization records.
• Your children’s school records.
• Health insurance cards and medical records.
• Records of any police reports you have filed.
• Hard copy photos of evidence of your partner’s abuse, either to self or property.
• Print-outs of threatening emails, texts or other messages from the abuser. 
• Legal protection or restraining orders.
• Marriage, divorce and custody papers.
• Green card or immigration papers.
• Government benefits card.
• Work permits.
• W2s and paystubs.
• Driver’s license and/or passports.
• Social security cards for yourself and your children.

Understanding Custody and Legal Considerations

Understanding your state’s child custody laws can not be understated. Manipulative abusers fixated on torturing a partner who decides to leave have used the family court system against protective mothers when they don’t have all the necessary legal protections in place. That’s why it’s vital to consult with a domestic violence organization or Family Justice Center if there is time before escaping. You can also find a summary of custody laws online.

If you need to leave immediately because you fear your life or the life of your children is in danger, consider calling 911 from a safe place and requesting an emergency order of protection against the abuser. This should allow a protective parent at least three days, but possibly longer, to contact a lawyer and/or file for emergency custody.  

Magdalena Dircio, legal advocate with Laura’s House, a domestic violence advocacy organization and shelter in California, says emergency shelter should be considered when trying to escape an abusive partner. 

“If you need to flee an abuser and enter a shelter, it is important to know that if there are no custody orders, you can take the children with you and there should not be legal consequences," Dircio says.

After you flee to a shelter, you should follow up as soon as possible with an attorney to chart the best course of legal action going forward. Usually, the shelter can help you with connecting to legal advice, often free or low-cost.

While fleeing to a shelter can be a traumatic experience in and of itself, the stay can be temporary—a few days—in order to get an order of protection, file for separation or figure out a safer living situation in the meantime. Read “I Stayed at a Domestic Violence Shelter” to hear one mom’s account of going to a shelter with her three children. 

Temporary and Emergency Custody

Temporary custody may also be referred to as “emergency temporary custody” in the case of domestic violence or child abuse. To secure emergency custody, the filing parent must be able to provide proof of serious and immediate harm to the child. This can include:

• Police reports of calls for domestic violence or child abuse
• Arrest records for domestic violence of the abusive parent 
• Medical records showing injury to the protective parent
• Photos of damage done by the abusive parent that creates an unsafe living environment
• School records that show repeated absences due to domestic violence at home
• Written or recorded threats by the abuser to harm, kidnap or kill the protective parent or children

A judge can grant emergency custody “ex parte,” which means the abusive parent does not need to be present. A date is then set for a future hearing where both parents can present their case. 

Non-emergency temporary custody is more often decreed by a judge at the start of a divorce or separation while the legal process is ongoing. The judge should give temporary custody to the parent who has the best interests of the child in mind, a stable living environment and is the primary parent that handles the majority of caretaking, including making sure the child goes to school. 

An abuser may try to manipulate this process by claiming the survivor is “mentally unstable,” a misnomer for an individual who has been going through prolonged trauma and abuse. For some judges less educated in the nuances of domestic violence, this can be a compelling argument, especially if the survivor was temporarily living in a shelter or is suffering PTSD from the other parent’s abuse. 

A restraining order against an abuser should allow a survivor to return to the home and require that the abuser leaves. However, if this is not a safe option—the survivor worries the abuser may return to the home and harm them—they can ask a local shelter about transitional housing. This is often an apartment that can serve as a safe and confidential location to live until the survivor finds a more permanent arrangement. It also appears more stable to a judge when children are living in transitional housing. For more information, read “Ask Amanda: Can I Lose My Children If I Go to a Domestic Violence Shelter?”

A custody evaluation may be ordered, wherein an evaluator may go to each parent’s home to observe their parenting. Read “Parenting Under Scrutiny: Navigating Custody Evaluations After Domestic Violence” to learn more about this process and how a survivor can prepare.  

Helping Children Heal After Abuse

There’s no one “right way” to heal after trauma. Many survivors would also probably agree that healing can be a lifelong journey. That’s why it’s important to listen to your kids, meet them where they are in the healing process and not try to rush “getting over it.”

The best first step to starting to heal is to simply acknowledge what happened and have open and honest conversations about the abuse, curated to the age and understanding level of the child. There’s a common misnomer that young children don’t realize what’s going on when one parent is abusive toward the other. The survivor may think they didn’t overhear the abuse or that they’re too young to fully understand what’s happening. Sadly, even starting in infancy, children can show signs of being exposed to trauma. 

Keeping children in the dark regarding abuse may seem like you’re protecting them, but child experts warn that minimizing abuse can have its own adverse effects. 

“Because it’s such a difficult topic to bring up, oftentimes [talking about domestic violence] is simply avoided,” says Betsy McAlister Groves, founding director of the Child Witness to Violence Project at Boston Medical Center. “Then you’ve got an elephant-in-the-room problem, and it can really create a kind of wedge between the child and parent. That’s when we start to see behavioral issues.”

Instead, Groves advises welcoming honest communication with your child. Making yourself available to listen to your child and answer their questions is the best way to help them deal with what’s going on. 

Don’t wait for children to come to you. They may not know how to bring up the topic. Then, speak to them at their level.

Preschool-Age Children 

Very young children may not understand their own feelings and reactions around witnessing violence. Help them normalize “big” feelings of anger, frustration or confusion with words of support—“It’s OK to feel that way. Emotions can be scary, but it’s good to talk about it.” Games for young children about identifying feelings may be helpful, like this Emotion Cubes game. Keeping up routines as normal can also provide a sense of security at this age and beyond. Try not to overcompensate for any guilt you have as a parent through gifts, but rather with more affection. Read “Spoiling Your Kids the Right Way,” for more information. 

Elementary-Age Children 

At this age, children may understand a bit more about violence and why it’s wrong. They have likely learned about bullying at school and may be confused as to why a parent would seem to bully another parent. Reiterate that violence is never OK. Support their memories of incidents that happened at home even if they don’t fully line up with what actually occurred. Make sure they know that what happened is not their fault and not their responsibility to stop. At this age, they may have a lot of questions. Stay calm and answer them with language they’ll understand.

Teenagers 

Some teens may not want to talk about the violence at all. If they’re reluctant to open up and share with you what they’ve experienced or are feeling, it may be best to encourage them to talk to someone else, like a therapist trained in domestic violence. Teenagers may also internalize a lot of what happened and think that it was somehow their fault or responsibility to stop. Assure them that the opposite is true. Offer unconditional love and support for however they’re feeling, even if it’s anger at you, the protective parent. It’s also important to talk to teens about what a healthy relationship looks like so they know how to spot a controlling or violent partner in their own life, or so they don’t repeat patterns they witnessed an abusive parent using. Read “Teaching Teens About Dating Violence,” and “What Is the Manosphere” for more information. 

Talking to Schools and Childcare Providers

If there is a protection order or restraining order in place against an abusive parent, your child’s school or childcare provider needs to be made aware. Consider taking the following steps:

1. Ask for a private meeting with the school principal, child’s teacher and school security officer. Bring a copy of the protective order for them to keep on file. Make sure the order specifically outlines restrictions regarding the child’s pick-up or in accessing school records. 
2. Clearly state and document who is allowed and not allowed to pick up the child. Provide the school with a recent photograph of the abusive parent so they can watch for that person approaching or entering school grounds.
3. Provide a list of specific emergency contacts should the protective parent not be reachable. 
4. Consider establishing a password that school officials can use amongst each other to convey the abusive parent is attempting contact with the child. This can help shield the child from unnecessary worry. 
5. Create a safety plan should the abusive parent try to make contact. Where can the child go and who can stay with them until the protective parent or police arrive? 
6. Ask about counseling for the child should they need extra support during school hours. Trauma can manifest in various ways for children, and the school should be aware. 

You Can Do This

Advocates can help you create a safety plan—a contingency plan for any possible scenario that should arise when you’re ready to leave. You can also talk with our Hope Chat, the AI assistant that pops up on our home page. It can direct you to even more resources on DomesticShelters.org that can help you better understand different tactics of abuse. 

Resources for Parents Leaving Abuse

• If you’re ready to talk to someone about what you’re experiencing in your relationship or to find the nearest shelter in your area, reach out to a domestic violence advocate. You can also utilize our Hope Chat feature that can help you find relevant articles and information.
• Learn more about helping kids understand and heal from abuse by exploring the Children and Teens section on this site.
• For more information on safety planning, read our Guide to Domestic Violence Safety Planning or utilize our Safety Planning Worksheet.
• If you’d like more information on what to expect in court or how to find a domestic violence lawyer, see our Legal section of articles.

Your FAQs, Answered

Can witnessing domestic violence affect children even if they weren't physically hurt?

Yes. Witnessing abuse, control or intimidation from one parent to another can affect children regardless of age or frequency of abuse. “One hundred percent of children exposed to domestic violence are affected by it,” says Brian F. Martin, founder of the non-profit Childhood Domestic Violence Association. Read “How to Recognize Trauma in Children” for more information. 

What is a safety plan for leaving domestic violence?

A safety plan is a customized blueprint for survivors ready to leave their abusive partners. It helps a survivor plan where to go when it’s time to leave, what they need to pack, evidence they can compile in case they go to court and what to do if the abuser tries to stop them from leaving. 

What is the safest time to leave an abusive partner?

There is no one universal answer to this question. A survivor is the only person who knows when it’s safest to leave. Leaving is notoriously the most dangerous time for a survivor. Read “Leaving Without Dying” for more information.

What if I don't have money to leave?

This is an all-too-common barrier for survivors. Abusers utilize financial abuse to ensure survivors don’t have money of their own, trapping them indefinitely. But there are organizations and people who can help. Read “When You Can’t Afford to Leave an Abusive Partner” for more information.

How can I leave if my partner monitors my phone or location?

Many abusers use cyberstalking to monitor where their partner is and what they’re doing. Searching for malware on your phone or computer is a good place to start. Abusers may notice if you turn off your location on your cell phone—you may want to wait until you leave the abuser to do this. For more tips, read “A Guide to Cyberstalking.”. 

Should I tell my abuser that I'm leaving?

No. Do not tell your abuser you’re leaving as that can put you at a higher risk of danger. Only prepare kids if they’re of the age where they can understand why you need to keep it a secret. You do not need to inform your child’s school until after you get to a safe place. At that time, consider getting an order of protection to keep the abusive parent away from your children and their school. 

Can I leave with my child if there isn't a custody order?

In an emergency, yes. Contact police as soon as possible after you leave to get an emergency order of protection that can cover yourself and your children. That will give you time to file an emergency custody order with the courts. Contact an attorney, if possible, to better understand the custody laws in your state. Many shelters and Family Justice Centers also offer legal help. 

Where can I go if I have nowhere to stay?

First, consider a domestic violence shelter. It’s typically a confidential location that can keep survivors and their children safe in the short-term, while also offering support. If your local shelter is at capacity, you can explore other emergency housing options by dialing 211 or contacting FamilyPromise.org. For more options, see “What To Do If the Domestic Violence Shelter Is Full?”

Can I take my child to a domestic violence shelter?

Yes, children can go to a domestic shelter, as can pets in many places. Read “The Support You Can Expect at a Shelter for Women and Children” to learn more about what to expect at a domestic violence shelter. And if you’re escaping with teenagers, there may be some special considerations. Read “Escaping with Older Children” for more information. 

How do I explain domestic violence to my child?

The best first step to starting to heal is to simply acknowledge what happened and have open and honest conversations about the abuse, curated to the age and understanding level of the child. Read “8 Ways to Talk to Kids Exposed to Domestic Violence” for more information. 

What if my child doesn't want to leave?

This is a tough one. Some children, regardless of abuse they’ve witnessed by one parent, still love that parent. They may also be trauma-bonded to them, a form of psychological manipulation where they feel compassion toward the abuser. 

But also, leaving home is a scary and upsetting concept for any child. But as the protective parent, it is your duty to keep your children safe. Validate your child’s feelings and do not shame them. Talk gently to your child about how leaving is not an easy choice, but their other parent is dangerous at this time. Involve a counselor or advocate, if possible, who can help with language to use to make it easier on the child. And understand that kids may cope with outbursts as a result of trauma.