Why Threats in a Relationship Should Be Taken Seriously

Key Takeaways:

1. Abusers' threats are often serious, whether to harm others, themselves, or pets, and are indicators of future violence, not just emotional outbursts.
2. Survivors may minimize threats due to trauma, fear, denial, or survival strategies, but this can increase danger if patterns of abuse go unrecognized.
3. Taking threats seriously by documenting them, telling someone, and developing a safety plan can be critical for protecting yourself and your children.

If you’re a domestic violence survivor, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced threats from an abusive partner. It’s common to dismiss your partner’s threats as empty words or emotional outbursts. But experts warn that these threats are often strategies abusers use for control and intimidation, and they can point to violence in the future.

Understanding these threats, why you might minimize them, and the steps you can take for safety is crucial. Here’s what to know.

The Truth About Abusers' Threats

Abusers may threaten to harm you, your loved ones, your pets or themselves. These aren't just emotional manipulation tactics, they are also warnings.

Rod Mitchell, a registered psychologist at Emotions Therapy Calgary, says, “Threats reveal an abuser's sophisticated understanding of how to control through fear. When someone says, ‘I'll kill you and the kids,’ or ‘I'll make sure no one believes you,’ they’re not expressing emotions, they’re making calculated choices to suppress their victim's resistance.”

Verbal abuse, including threats, often escalates into physical violence. This is why it’s essential to stop treating an abuser’s threats as empty words. They are often roadmaps pointing to future actions. 

Abusers Threatening Suicide 

A particularly serious concern is when an abuser threatens suicide. Even though an abuser might use these threats to manipulate their partner, it's crucial to take them seriously. 

That’s because if abusers follow through, they often kill others first. Patricia Bathurst, a licensed marriage and family therapist at The Oasis Recovery, says abusers may "Kill their partner and/or other members of the family, such as their children, before committing suicide themselves." 

Mitchell notes that murder-suicide threats represent ownership, not despair. “The abuser is choosing—from all possible responses to relationship changes—to assert total control.”

What Are Some Common Threats From Abusers?

“Abusers choose threats precisely calibrated to their victim's specific fears: Threatening children to a devoted parent, threatening deportation to an immigrant, threatening to out someone who isn't publicly LGBTQ+,” Mitchell says.

Threats could also include:

• Threats of physical harm or death: "I’ll kill you if you ever leave me" or "If I can’t have you, no one can."
• Threats involving children: "I’ll take the kids, and you’ll never see them again."
• Reputational and social threats: "I’ll ruin your life. Everyone will believe me over you." 
• Threats of self-harm or suicide: "I’ll kill myself — and it’ll be your fault."
• Emotional degradation: "You’re nothing without me.”
• Threats against pets: “I’ll hurt (or kill) the dog in front of you and the kids.”
• Financial threats: "I'll tell your boss” or “I won’t let you go to work.”
• Immigration threats: “I’ll keep you from getting your green card (or citizenship).”
• Healthcare threats: “I’ll take away your health insurance,” or “I’ll stop you from going to the doctor (or taking the kids to the doctor).”

How Do Abusive Threats Escalate?

“Oftentimes, it’s a very insidious process,” says Julye Myner, PhD, executive director of Center for Hope and Safety. Abusers can use gaslighting to downplay threats, but as threats become more concrete, it’s harder to gaslight.

Threats often escalate when an abuser feels like they are losing control, such as when a survivor sets boundaries, seeks help or tries to leave.  

“That loss of power can trigger violent retaliation,” says Kelly Sutliff, a licensed professional counselor, domestic violence survivor and founder of Kelly’s K9s. “What started as verbal threats can rapidly turn into stalking, financial sabotage or physical violence." When survivors resist, abusers make their threats more severe.

Why Do Domestic Violence Survivors Minimize Threats?

There are a few different factors that make survivors likely to downplay threats.

• Abusers have trained them. Sutliff says, “Abusers condition us to second-guess ourselves, to think we’re overreacting, paranoid, dramatic.” 
• Showing fear could trigger more violence. Myner says minimizing can be an act of self-preservation and a sophisticated form of resistance. It may be safer in the short term to minimize.
• Threats are common. Survivors normalize threats because they are part of their everyday reality. They may tell themselves, "He’s just angry. He’d never really do it." They may also be recognizing that fear would trigger more violence.
• They’re in denial. “Denial serves a purpose, as most survivors do not want to believe that their abusers would cause harm,” says Shari Botwin, a licensed clinical social worker. Plus, if the cycle of abuse returns to the honeymoon phase, survivors convince themselves it won’t happen again.
• They think they’re causing the problem. “Even when survivors have bruises or scars, emotional or physical, they find ways to blame themselves for the actions taken by their abusers,” Botwin says. This is the effect of brainwashing by the abuser. 
• They’re reacting to the effects of trauma. Trauma may make survivors stop trusting their own instincts. “The trauma of abuse can disorient victims,” Myner says. It can make it hard for them to organize their thoughts and recognize what is real. Survivors who were abused or witnessed abuse as children may not know what it’s like to live without abuse.
• Previous threats haven’t escalated. If an abuser has made threats before without acting on them, a survivor might mistakenly believe they never will.
• They feel like they have some control. Survivors may think, “I’m choosing to stay calm.”
• Other people minimize the threats. Friends, family and law enforcement might say things like, "But has he actually hurt you?" or "I'm sure he doesn't mean it," or respond in other ways that don’t take the threats seriously. 

Minimizing threats may make sense in the short term. “When survivors minimize threats, they're demonstrating sophisticated resistance, not denial. Every response a victim makes—including minimization—is an act of preserving dignity and safety in an impossible situation,” Mitchell says.

Myner points out that many survivors are extremely intuitive for their own safety and the safety of their children. “I’ve seen victims underplay a threat because, unconsciously or consciously, they know if it’s a real threat they need to leave. But if they leave, he’s going to kill them,” she says.

Survivors use an equation to figure out when they should leave. “That equation encompasses economic factors, emotional factors, the children and their own physical and emotional well-being and safety,” Myner says.

What Should You Do When an Abuser Threatens You?

It is crucial for survivors to believe what abusers say in their threats. These steps can help:

Trust Your Gut
Sutliff says, "If you’re scared, there’s a reason. Take it seriously. Your instincts are trying to keep you alive."

Document Everything
Myner suggests writing things down with dates to help ground yourself in reality and see patterns when you’re disoriented by trauma. Plus, texts, voicemails and screenshots can become valuable evidence. 

Tell Someone
"Silence keeps us isolated and unprotected. Confide in someone you trust," says Sutliff.

Consider Technological and Legal Tools 
These can include restraining orders, GPS monitoring or personal safety devices.

Contact Authorities 
Reach out to law enforcement if an abuser is threatening you, someone you care about or themselves.

Connect with Advocates Who Understand
You want to have people on your side who recognize that threats are acts of violence, not symptoms of mental illness or anger issues. “The right advocate will honor your resistance strategies and support your choices,” Mitchell says.

Contact a Domestic Violence Organization 
Reaching out does not mean you have to leave immediately or move to a shelter. It means you can get help with resources, evaluating your risk and making safety plans. 

Develop a Safety Plan 
If you can, work with people who understand the danger, like DV advocates or trauma-informed therapists, to create a personalized safety plan. You can also put together a safety plan on your own.