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If you’re a domestic violence survivor, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced threats from an abusive partner. It’s common to dismiss your partner’s threats as empty words or emotional outbursts. But experts warn that these threats are often strategies abusers use for control and intimidation, and they can point to violence in the future.
Understanding these threats, why you might minimize them, and the steps you can take for safety is crucial. Here’s what to know.
Abusers may threaten to harm you, your loved ones, your pets or themselves. These aren't just emotional manipulation tactics, they are also warnings.
Rod Mitchell, a registered psychologist at Emotions Therapy Calgary, says, “Threats reveal an abuser's sophisticated understanding of how to control through fear. When someone says, ‘I'll kill you and the kids,’ or ‘I'll make sure no one believes you,’ they’re not expressing emotions, they’re making calculated choices to suppress their victim's resistance.”
Verbal abuse, including threats, often escalates into physical violence. This is why it’s essential to stop treating an abuser’s threats as empty words. They are often roadmaps pointing to future actions.
A particularly serious concern is when an abuser threatens suicide. Even though an abuser might use these threats to manipulate their partner, it's crucial to take them seriously.
That’s because if abusers follow through, they often kill others first. Patricia Bathurst, a licensed marriage and family therapist at The Oasis Recovery, says abusers may "Kill their partner and/or other members of the family, such as their children, before committing suicide themselves."
Mitchell notes that murder-suicide threats represent ownership, not despair. “The abuser is choosing—from all possible responses to relationship changes—to assert total control.”
“Abusers choose threats precisely calibrated to their victim's specific fears: Threatening children to a devoted parent, threatening deportation to an immigrant, threatening to out someone who isn't publicly LGBTQ+,” Mitchell says.
Threats could also include:
“Oftentimes, it’s a very insidious process,” says Julye Myner, PhD, executive director of Center for Hope and Safety. Abusers can use gaslighting to downplay threats, but as threats become more concrete, it’s harder to gaslight.
Threats often escalate when an abuser feels like they are losing control, such as when a survivor sets boundaries, seeks help or tries to leave.
“That loss of power can trigger violent retaliation,” says Kelly Sutliff, a licensed professional counselor, domestic violence survivor and founder of Kelly’s K9s. “What started as verbal threats can rapidly turn into stalking, financial sabotage or physical violence." When survivors resist, abusers make their threats more severe.
There are a few different factors that make survivors likely to downplay threats.
Minimizing threats may make sense in the short term. “When survivors minimize threats, they're demonstrating sophisticated resistance, not denial. Every response a victim makes—including minimization—is an act of preserving dignity and safety in an impossible situation,” Mitchell says.
Myner points out that many survivors are extremely intuitive for their own safety and the safety of their children. “I’ve seen victims underplay a threat because, unconsciously or consciously, they know if it’s a real threat they need to leave. But if they leave, he’s going to kill them,” she says.
Survivors use an equation to figure out when they should leave. “That equation encompasses economic factors, emotional factors, the children and their own physical and emotional well-being and safety,” Myner says.
It is crucial for survivors to believe what abusers say in their threats. These steps can help:
Trust Your Gut
Sutliff says, "If you’re scared, there’s a reason. Take it seriously. Your instincts are trying to keep you alive."
Document Everything
Myner suggests writing things down with dates to help ground yourself in reality and see patterns when you’re disoriented by trauma. Plus, texts, voicemails and screenshots can become valuable evidence.
Tell Someone
"Silence keeps us isolated and unprotected. Confide in someone you trust," says Sutliff.
Consider Technological and Legal Tools
These can include restraining orders, GPS monitoring or personal safety devices.
Contact Authorities
Reach out to law enforcement if an abuser is threatening you, someone you care about or themselves.
Connect with Advocates Who Understand
You want to have people on your side who recognize that threats are acts of violence, not symptoms of mental illness or anger issues. “The right advocate will honor your resistance strategies and support your choices,” Mitchell says.
Contact a Domestic Violence Organization
Reaching out does not mean you have to leave immediately or move to a shelter. It means you can get help with resources, evaluating your risk and making safety plans.
Develop a Safety Plan
If you can, work with people who understand the danger, like DV advocates or trauma-informed therapists, to create a personalized safety plan. You can also put together a safety plan on your own.
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Menstruation is an experience shared by
generations of women across the globe.
Sadly, abuse is another commonly shared experience between women.
Be it physical or psychological, abuse is not OK in any form.
Period.
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