Why Does My Spouse Hit or Yell at Me? Understanding Abusive Relationships and Why Abusers Abuse

This piece was originally published in 2014. It was updated in 2026.

Note: In this article’s title, we use the phrase “abusive relationship” because it’s a common term people search for when looking for information about domestic violence, domestic abuse or intimate partner violence. At DomesticShelters.org, we aim to use language that accurately reflects that abuse is a choice made by the person who harms—not a mutual dynamic and never something the survivor is to blame for.

Key Takeaways

1. Abuse is a choice, not a loss of control. Influences like trauma or social norms may shape behavior, but they don’t cause abuse — abusers decide to use power and control.

2. Social and personal histories can fuel harmful beliefs. Gender conditioning, childhood violence and untreated trauma can contribute to abusive attitudes, but never excuse them.

3. Accountability and red flags are critical. Change only happens when abusers take responsibility, and early warning signs can help people spot unsafe partners.

Many of us think we know what makes an abusive partner: anger problems, jealousy, a bad childhood and maybe a fondness for whiskey. But the truth is far more complex—and far more intentional. Abusers don’t “snap.” They make choices, often shaped long before they ever enter a relationship. 

The thing about abusers is that, even though they’re making choices to act out in jealousy, degrade a partner to keep them subservient or use violence to feel in control, they often look for someone else to blame. That someone is often the survivor, the target of the abuser’s bullying. The abuser will make the survivor feel as though they caused their own abuse. If only they listened better. If only they knew how to do things correctly. If only they didn’t make choices the abuser didn’t agree with. 

If there’s one thing advocates, this journalist and DomesticShelters.org wishes we could impart to every survivor everywhere, it would be that this is the biggest shared lie abusers tell. 

Abuse is not the survivor’s fault.

Abuse is a choice the abuser makes. 

We’re going to explore some of the beliefs and attitudes abusers share that can pave the way to harming a partner. These can not only help survivors understand how abuse is not their fault, but can help them recognize the warning signs early on of a potentially abusive partner.

Can these beliefs and attitudes be changed? Experts say yes — but only when meaningful consequences are imposed and the individual is held accountable. Even then, the abuser must recognize these patterns in themself, choose to seek help and demonstrate lasting, sustained change. In other words, it’s not easy — and it’s not common.

For people who have experienced trauma, therapy can be a crucial turning point. Trauma doesn’t excuse abusive behavior, and it doesn’t predetermine it—but untreated trauma can feed the need for control, reactivity or distorted beliefs about relationships. With support, many people can break those patterns and build healthier ways of relating to others. Without it, some may continue repeating what they learned, often with devastating consequences.

Gendered Social Conditioning

We still live in a society where men hold disproportionate power—socially, economically and within relationships. Cultural norms often reinforce the idea that men’s authority is the default and women’s independence is not necessarily a given right. These gendered power structures don’t cause abuse on their own, but they create an environment where controlling behavior by men is normalized and, therefore, more easily overlooked. 

Men outnumber women by more than three times in executive and leadership government positions. Men are far more likely to be the CEOs of U.S. companies. In the S&P 500, of the 500 largest publicly traded companies, only 31 companies were led by women as of 2024. The 20 highest paid CEOs were also men. Across the board, women make less money than men doing the same work—the global average as of 2024 was $0.85 to every dollar a man makes. 

Combine that with the stripping away of women’s rights at a lightening pace—restricting women’s healthcare options, limiting access to education (129 million girls globally are still not in school according to UNICEF), dangerously inadequate prenatal care and maternity leave, as well as rampant human trafficking, and you begin to see how boys grow up absorbing messages that men’s wants, voices and power matter more.

In intimate relationships, those same attitudes may translate into a belief that men are entitled to make the rules, control their partner or punish disobedience—laying the groundwork for intimate partner violence. 

Childhood Domestic Violence

Many advocates attest that abuse is a learned behavior from childhood. Adverse childhood experiences, otherwise known as ACEs, are traumatic events that occur in childhood. Among them is witnessing abuse by a parent or caregiver, often called childhood domestic violence, or being the direct victim of abuse. This can include physical, verbal or sexual abuse. The higher one’s ACE score, or the more trauma the child endured, the higher the risk for negative health and social problems as an adult. 

One of those risk factors is perpetuating the cycle of abuse in adulthood. Some consider domestic violence to be inherited from one generation to the next, often called intergenerational violence. It’s not until a victim of childhood domestic violence faces that trauma head on in adulthood, takes accountability for their role in healing from it and seeks help that the cycle can be broken, say professionals. 

When Women Use Force

Not everyone exposed to domestic violence will become an abuser, of course. More men than women, by far, take on the role of perpetrator, so why do more women not become abusive partners? 

Many women don’t have a lot of the other factors listed here. They aren’t conditioned to be in control. They aren’t taught that they should be the “head” of the household from an early age. Young girls’ conditioning is often quite the opposite of young boys’. Girls are taught to be polite, considerate and to take care of others. In many cultures, it’s why we see girls, from a young age, learn to cook, clean and take care of younger siblings. They are being conditioned to do the household labor while men are being conditioned to benefit from it. 

When women do use force, it’s often in reaction to abuse by a male partner. The line between self-defense and committing abuse  becomes blurred for untrained law enforcement and judges, resulting in women serving time for protecting themselves. 

That being said, women can and do use abusive tactics against their partners, male partners included. When men are victims of power, control and violence by an intimate partner, they’re more likely to stay silent. Harmful stereotypes about masculinity make them believe they shouldn’t be victims, that they should somehow be “tougher” than women. This is a toxic belief that keeps men from seeking support. To learn more, read “A Guide for Male Survivors of Domestic Violence.”

Alcoholism and Drug Misuse 

Many abusers want to blame their abusive choices on alcohol or drug misuse. After all, addiction is a disease. While that’s true, advocates warn that too many abusers who undergo alcohol and drug treatment are not magically cured of their penchant for violence. Instead, they become sober abusers. 

Facing and changing the motivations to use power and control over a partner takes more than a 12-step program. The first step to change is admitting that they are accountable for how they have treated their partners. Abusers who deny what they have done or who blame it on something or someone else are not ready to change, writes Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD in “Abuse Cannot Be Blamed on Alcohol or Mental Illness.”

PTSD

There have been numerous studies linking an increase in veteran’s abusive behavior to those who suffer post-traumatic stress disorder. But just as the number of servicemen who committed abuse increased, so did the number of servicewomen who reported being survivors of domestic violence by servicemember boyfriends and husbands. One study showed 33 percent of female veterans reported experiencing intimate partner violence to just under 24 percent of non-veteran women. 

While the Venn diagram of PTSD and domestic violence overlap, mental illness of any kind does not cause domestic violence. If a person’s mental illness caused violence, that violence wouldn’t be limited to just that person’s partner. The person suffering with that illness wouldn’t have the control to keep the violence contained to the home, behind closed doors. The stark difference with abusers is that they are in control of who, where and when they utilize power, control and violence. 

Careers Where Violence is Reinforced

We know that domestic violence is more prominent among men who have careers in which power and control are the crux of the job description. We see this among the high rates of domestic violence in the military, but also among police officers. 

According to the National Center for Women and Policing, domestic violence is two to four times more common among police officers than the general public. Active police officers are issued guns, increasing their ability to wield power and control over a partner if they so chose to. Many servicemembers also have access to weapons and may be trained in certain types of close-quarters combat skills. In the field, these are survival techniques. At home, these can become ways to inflict serious and severe violence on a partner they decide to have control over. 

Other jobs with long hours and high stress, or jobs that create financial instability, may also be scapegoats for abusers. Socioeconomic factors have been shown to increase the incidence of domestic violence—couples in lower-income neighborhoods experienced the highest rates of intimate partner violence in one two-year study. However, we also know money doesn’t protect victims from abuse. Plenty of survivors in affluent marriages also become targeted by abusive partners. 

Domestic Abuser Red Flag Checklist

All this to be said: abusers have their pick of any number of things to blame their abuse on. But when it comes down to it, exerting power and control in the form of verbal, physical or sexual violence, or financial or reproductive control, these are choices they are making. 

If you don’t have the resources to run a psychological profile on your next first date, just keep an eye out for these red flags. 

• Jealousy. Are they monitoring where you go, asking to look at your phone, showing up unannounced at places you didn’t invite them? This isn’t normal.  
• Sexist humor. Does he objectify women or demean them verbally?
• Fast mover. Are they talking commitment right off the bat, saying you’re “the one” or talking marriage? Do you feel like you’re being isolated from your friends and family in the process?
• Cruel to animals. Do they have a dog and neglect it? Make jokes about harming small animals? Animal abuse and domestic violence are often linked. 
• Owns a weapon. Do they have a gun and aren't subtle about you knowing that fact? A domestic violence survivor is five times more likely to be killed when an abuser has access to a gun. 
• Likes rough sex. Strangulation (sometimes referred to as choking)  during sex isn’t sexy—it’s a power play to show a partner has the ability to cut off your oxygen and blood flow –and end your life– if they so choose. 

For more warning signs, see “Abusive Red Flags Everyone Should Know.” And if you’re unsure if what you’re experiencing is abuse, you can access free, confidential advice through our Hope Chat AI assistant, found in the corner of your screen on DomesticShelters.org.. It quickly and intuitively points you to the resources that will best help answer your questions regarding relationships and abuse.