Ask Amanda: I'm Not Sure if I'm the Abuser or the Victim

Key Takeaways

1. Reacting to abuse—like yelling or pushing in self-defense—does not make someone an abuser; abusers act with intent to control and harm.
2. Emotional abuse tactics like blame-shifting, gaslighting and the silent treatment are often used to make victims doubt themselves and feel responsible for the abuse.
3. If you're questioning your relationship dynamics, reaching out to a domestic violence advocate or support group can provide clarity, support, and help with safety planning.

Q: How do you know if you’re being abusive? My husband yells at me and criticizes me for every little thing, and sometimes I yell back because I’m so frustrated. Then he acts like he’s so hurt and says he’s tired of my abuse. Sometimes he goes into the basement and doesn’t come up for days, saying I’m the reason he’s so unhappy. I have to take care of our baby by myself when he does this, and it’s hard.  Sometimes he gets in my face when he yells at me and I push him out of the way. The last time that happened, he threatened to call the cops and have them arrest me for assaulting him. I know what he does to me isn’t right, but I’m wondering if I’m the problem, too. How do you know for sure?

Here's an easy litmus test for the am-I-abusive question: When you yell at your husband, is it to scare him? Do you hope that he cowers in fear or submits to your demands? When you shove your husband, do you do so in the hopes that you’ll hurt him? Do you want him to know that you’re stronger than him and could hurt him more severely if you wanted to?

If your answers are “no,” you’re likely not an abusive partner. You’re not yelling and shoving to show power, you’re more likely using them as self-defense, sometimes called reactionary abuse. While physical violence should never be a part of relationships, you have the right to protect yourself from his abuse. And not to sound like a little kid at the playground, but he started it first.

Domestic Abuse vs Self-Defense  

Abusers don’t wonder if they’re being abusive—they know they are. Abusers are calculated. They’re acting intentionally. They’re choosing to exert power and control over a partner.

If a stranger came up to you on the street and started yelling at you, no one would question your choice to push him out of your personal space to protect yourself. It should go without being said, but even as your husband, he’s not allowed to be physically aggressive with you either. In my outside opinion, it clearly sounds like he’s an abuser. And the first thing we know in the domestic violence world is that the victim of abuse is never to blame for their partner’s abusive choices. 

Tactics of Abusers

My guess is that your husband is accusing you of being abusive as a manipulation tactic called blame-shifting. He wants you to doubt yourself in order to distract you from his abuse. If you disclose his abuse to someone—a friend, family member, advocate or the police—he wants you to think he could accuse you of the same things and, at the very least, shame you or, more seriously, get you in trouble with the police. Many abusers use this blame-shifting technique to keep their partners scared and silent. And, there unfortunately have been cases where the victim has been accused of being the primary aggressor by police. 

Another manipulation tactic your husband is utilizing is the silent treatment. Unlike when some individuals just need space to process their feelings after an argument, abusive partners weaponize silence to emotionally harm their partners. It’s another form of isolating you. After a few days of him acting like you’re invisible, you’re probably angry and desperate for things to go back to some sense of normalcy. Plus, you’re likely also in urgent need of help parenting the child you share. He knows this and uses it to his advantage to make you believe you’re the one who owes him an apology. You need to get back in his good graces, so to speak. It’s all a form of gaslighting and emotional abuse. These types of abuse can be difficult to recognize when you’re in them. The stereotype of the abused partner includes bruises and black eyes, broken bones or broken items around your house. Yet many survivors of abuse will not have any outward signs of abuse. 

Survivors also often doubt their own gut feelings. Am I making too big a deal out of this? Am I too sensitive? Am I the problem? No to all of these. 

If you think your partner may be using emotional abuse to control you, ask yourself the following questions. Does your partner….

… put you down, embarrass or shame you?

… call you names?

… accuse you of being unfaithful without basis?

… ignore you?

… demand to know where you are every minute?

… treat you as inferior?

… purposefully embarrass you, oftentimes in front of others?

… not allow you to make decisions?

… rarely validate your opinions?

… threaten you?

… tell you that you’re crazy?

… belittle your accomplishments, aspirations or plans?

… forbid you from talking to or seeing your friends, family or coworkers?

… keep you from sleeping?

… act possessively jealous?

… cheat on you and then blame you for his or her behavior?

… tell you that you will never find anyone better?

… repeatedly point out your mistakes?

… attempt to control what you wear?

…control how you spend money?

…threaten to hurt you, your children, your family or your pets?

While a non-abusive partner may do one or two of these things from time to time, the difference between someone who’s abusive and someone who’s made a mistake is that abusers follow a pattern. They often do these things regularly, and then tell you they didn’t do these things, or that you can’t take a joke, or that you do them, too. They don’t show remorse. 

Contact a Domestic Violence Advocate

Do you feel safe talking to them about this? If you bring up these points from your letter, and how his actions are affecting you, does he show concern or regret? Does he take responsibility for his actions or does he deflect by reversing blame onto you? I could venture a guess, based on your letter, which way he’d go with this conversation. 

Regardless of how you categorize his behavior—abusive or toxic or controlling or just crappy—you don’t deserve to feel unsafe with your partner. A healthy partner will not punish you by disappearing for days at a time. A healthy partner will not threaten to report you to the police after he shouts in your face. 

So now that you know that, it’s time to decide what you want to do next. My advice, since you did ask and all, would be to reach out to a trained domestic violence advocate. You can call even if you’re not ready to leave. You can just talk things out, see what your options are and maybe come up with a safety plan. 

Consider disclosing what’s going on to someone you trust in your life. If you don’t have a person like that, a support group would be the next best thing. You’re not alone. 

Have a question for Ask Amanda? Message us on Facebook, Twitter, or email AskAmanda@DomesticShelters.org. 

Ask Amanda is meant to offer helpful resources and information about domestic violence. If in crisis, please reach out to your nearest domestic violence shelter for the guidance of a trained advocate.