Are You Searching What Is Considered Domestic Violence?

Key Takeaways:

1. Domestic violence is about power and control. It can take many forms—physical, emotional, sexual, financial, verbal or spiritual—and often hides behind love-bombing, manipulation and attachment that make it hard to recognize.
2. It’s normal to hope your relationship “doesn’t count” as abuse. Survivors often minimize what’s happening due to trauma bonding, brain chemistry or fear. Recognizing abuse is often the first step, but leaving is complicated, dangerous and rarely linear.
3. Healing and safety require support, not isolation. Breaking free often involves therapy, boundaries, rebuilding self-esteem and reconnecting with safe people or advocates—because no one should have to face abuse or leaving alone.

You may have just typed into a search engine, ChatGPT or even our Hope Chat (that blue chat box that popped up on our homepage): “What is considered domestic violence?” And you’re not alone in that. In fact, Google search trends show it’s one of the most common questions people ask online when they’re starting to wrestle with uncertainty in their relationships.

The answer itself might sound straightforward: domestic violence is any pattern of abusive behaviors used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over another, most often in an intimate relationship. To learn more, read, “You Ask, We Answer: Domestic Violence FAQs.”

 This can involve:

·       Physical abuse

·       Emotional or psychological abuse

·       Verbal abuse

·       Sexual or reproductive abuse

·       Financial abuse

·       Spiritual abuse

·       Technology abuse

Abusers can involve tactics including isolation, intimidation, threats, coercive control, manipulation, stalking and violence.

Are You Hoping You’re Right…. Or Wrong?

But the real question behind the question is often harder. Why are you searching this right now? Is it for a class assignment? Are you trying to support a friend or family member? Or are you wondering whether what you’re living through “counts” as abuse?

Sometimes, searching for a definition isn’t about not knowing — it’s about reassurance. Much like when we look up a random barrage of symptoms online and hope the “Dr. Google diagnosis” is something small rather than something serious, many people who ask, “What is domestic violence?” are hoping for an answer that doesn’t include their current relationship. If that’s where you are right now, it doesn’t mean you’re pretending nothing’s wrong, it just means part of you is still hoping it isn’t. It’s normal to hope for the best, even when part of you fears the worst.

Denying and Minimizing Abuse May Be Rooted in the Chemicals in Your Brain

Something a lot of people don’t talk about when it comes to domestic violence is that even when you do realize your partner is abusive, there’s not always an immediate inclination to run away. And that doesn’t make a lot of sense to those on the outside of abuse, right? After all, if you came home one day and a knife-wielding man was waiting for you in your kitchen, it’s doubtful a sane person would ask them to stay for dinner. But if that person, over time, has made you feel like the knife is a normal and OK thing, well, you wouldn’ t think twice. 

“Domestic violence involves attachment—a process within our brain that allows us to form a very close bond with another person, almost always an intimate partner,” says Lindsey Yochum, LMFT, clinical director at Attune Counseling Center in Sacramento, Calif., and a survivor of domestic violence herself. 

“Your brain makes you think you are in a place of love, safety and acceptance, all things we need biologically as humans. There are big-time chemicals in our brain that impact us significantly, like oxytocin, dopamine and cortisol. They are released in that bond with the other person, making it difficult to detach because of our nervous system, whether the person is right or wrong for us.”

Add to that the fact that abusers don’t show all their abusive cards immediately. Abusers often start with subtle types of power and control. They may begin by love-bombing a partner. This type of grooming can look like infatuation. Survivors describe it as being “swept off their feet” or “meeting Prince Charming.” This new partner likes everything they do. They’re obsessed with spending time with the survivor. They love the survivor’s children. They show up at their place of employment with gifts and flowers. They invite themselves over to spend time with the survivor. They take them on lavish and romantic vacations. Pretty soon, they’re pushing for a commitment—moving in together, marriage or a baby. The survivor, caught up in what feels like a real-life romantic movie, says yes. And before they know it, they’re linked to this person who then switches gears. They become controlling, mean, insulting. They isolate the survivor from their friends and family. The abuse begins. But the survivor may hold on to the hope that eventually the early days of romance will return. 

“Domestic violence is when you realize, I am not safe with this person, physically, psychologically or sexually. Now leaving can feel really traumatizing, depressing, scary and painful,” says Yochum. 

Coming to Terms with What You Know Is True

Many well-intentioned support persons who realize their loved one is being abused by a partner will try to encourage them to leave. And many of those people are left frustrated and confused when that survivor doesn’t. 

“It’s easy for someone on the outside to say, ‘This person is belittling you; this is a clear situation where you need to leave,’ but it’s different when you are the one who’s in it and you have the attachment to that person,” says Yochum. 

Learning what constitutes domestic violence may be the first step in leaving, but it’s certainly not the last. Leaving can often be just as difficult as the abuse itself, and sometimes, even more dangerous. That doesn’t mean this shouldn’t be the goal though. No one deserves to feel unsafe in a relationship. And it’s important to remember that an abuser rarely stops abusing out of the blue. Even if the abuser is arrested, jailed or ordered into counseling—even if they get sober from drugs or alcohol, seek help for mental health issues or childhood trauma—many experts say the only thing that will reduce domestic violence is if abusers take full accountability for their actions and are continually monitored going forward. Otherwise, there’s a much higher risk that their abuse will escalate instead of end. 

So how do you break out of that fantasy that things might get better in the future? That you can love the abuser enough so that they’ll stop abusing you? That you can “fix” them? Or that you don’t deserve any better, just like the abuser has been telling you?

In “Yes, Abusive Partners Brainwash Their Victims,” we offer up a list of ways to start breaking the spell that many survivors find themselves under after any amount of time with a manipulative abuser.  They include:

• Psychotherapy (especially a trauma-focused therapy with someone who understands domestic abuse) 
• Journaling
• Reading about coercive control
• Learning to be in the moment (mindfulness)
• Avoiding romantic relationships and dating until you feel you are well and whole on your own
• Avoiding sex until you are far along on your recovery journey
• Rediscovering interests that you may have abandoned, and finding new hobbies and interests
• Getting in touch with your body through sports, dance, yoga, massage, or other activities that get you moving
• Finding new friends and renewing old ties with friends (not former intimate partners)
• Volunteering. You can build self-esteem by doing esteemed acts.

But perhaps the most important one is not trying to leave by yourself. Reconnect with that support system that the abuser has likely been diligently trying to separate you from. This can be a trusted friend or family member, a trained domestic violence advocate at your local domestic violence organization, a Family Justice Center or even an online support group where other survivors inevitably know what you’re going through. 

Expect Big Feelings

Not always, but sometimes, realizing that what you’re experiencing is abuse and that you need to end your relationship is going to make you feel sad. Sometimes you might first breathe a sigh of relief—“Ahh, I knew I wasn’t crazy.” But then, says Yochum, other emotions may follow.

“When you leave, [there is a chance] you are going to feel sad and you are going to miss this person,” she says. “People wonder, ‘How am I going to possibly miss someone who is bad to me?”

This feeling is sometimes called trauma-bonding, an intense but manipulative emotional attachment to a victim and their abusive partner. It is often orchestrated by the abuser in order to keep you trapped. The abuser may try to play into this perceived bond by reminding you of the “good times” you used to have, guilting you into staying “for the kids” or making you promises about the future. 

The important thing, says Yochum, is to listen to your gut. In a healthy relationship, a partner will not make you feel guilty for wanting to set boundaries, feel safe or take time for yourself. In domestic violence, an abusive partner will use your emotions and your vulnerabilities against you, will criticize you in order to tank your self-esteem so you don’t think you deserve any better. 

You do, and you will find it. Read, “Ask Amanda: How Can I Regain My Self-Esteem After Abuse?” to learn more.