Can You Both Love and Hate Your Abusive Partner?

Key Takeaways

1. Mixed feelings in relationships can be a warning sign — Loving and hating a partner simultaneously may indicate coercive control or abuse, even if it’s not always physical.
2. Abusers often use manipulation patterns — Tactics like intermittent reinforcement, love-bombing and sexual pressure create emotional dependency and confusion.
3. Safety and clarity require distance and support — Taking time apart, recording experiences and connecting with trusted people or professionals can help break the cycle and help you make informed decisions.

At times, Jenny loved Michael so much. He could be a doting father. So much fun at parties. And great in bed. At other times, she hated him down to her core. He was selfish. He scared her and the children. He made them cry and feel bad about themselves. And sometimes he would ignore what she said and do whatever he wanted with her sexually. She wondered if she was going crazy. How could she both love and hate someone at the same time?

A range of feelings toward one’s partner is entirely normal. It’s common to enjoy their company sometimes but also find their daily habits irritating. However, domestic violence gives a special cast to feeling both love and hate towards your partner. Strong mixed feelings may signal that you—and your children—are at risk of harm. Please remember, many domestic abusers control their partners through means that are not physical. They include intimidation, mind control, and verbal, sexual, and financial abuse. All together, these tactics are referred to as coercive control. 

6 Ways an Abuser May Manipulate and Confuse

Sometimes a relationship with an abusive partner can feel like the most intense love you’ve ever had. The very same patterns that make you vulnerable can also make you feel bonded. Let’s look at these.

Romance: Domestic abusers come on strong, especially in the beginning. They often court their future partners by showering them with love-like acts and romance. It might be roses, chocolates and fancy meals. It might be talking about growing old together. It might be comments about how beautiful your shared children will be. As you spend all your free time alone together, it’s easy to miss how you’re becoming isolated from your friends and family. You might feel so loved that you ignore other red flags, too.

Intermittent Reinforcement: Animal trainers know how to keep a pet obedient and eager to please: Provide treats some of the time but not all of the time. This is called intermittent reinforcement. We humans are animals, too. Unfortunately, domestic abusers often use this technique to entrap their partners. Abusers act loving then withhold love. One day they’re all kisses and cuddles and the next are as cold as can be. This behavioral pattern keeps their partners on edge, trying to win back the abuser’s love and approval.

Jekyll and Hyde, Bait and Switch: The intermittent reinforcement described above can lead you to feel like you are involved with a Jekyll & Hyde character. Your partner pulled you in with kindness but now has turned mean. When in the mood, they can seem all about care, romance, attention and love. At other times, it’s all cruelty, manipulation, and heartlessness. How can this be the same person?

Intense and Frequent Sex: Many domestic abusers pull their partners into intense and frequent sex early in their relationship. This may feel both exciting and overwhelming, hot and exhausting. Maybe you’d like to turn down the heat a bit but it doesn’t seem to be an option. Abusive partners say they can’t keep their hands off you. Over time, this can feel stifling. Or maybe your partner rejects you sexually as a punishment. Whether you’re being pulled into more sex than you want, or rejected and made to feel bad, the sex is no longer a source of pleasure and comfort to you.

Big Fights: Some domestic abusers explode in angry outbursts. Others are more likely to hiss through gritted teeth or lecture you for hours on end about your supposed faults. They call these episodes “fights” or “arguments,” which sound two-way. But in domestic violence, one person is solely or mostly responsible for starting the conflicts. Only one person truly has the power to end them. These “big fights” can leave you feeling frightened but also eager to please.

Big Feelings and Parallel Realities: The above patterns all lead to big feelings. You may feel like you are living in two parallel realities. On one day you feel like this person is the love of your life and the relationship will go on forever. On another, you may know in your gut that living with someone capable of such cruelty is bad for you (and your children) and that you’re going to have to end the relationship. You may even fear that the relationship will end with your death or the death of your children.

What to Do If You Love and Hate Your Partner? 5 Tactics to Consider

1. Say it aloud and seek feedback. Is there someone to whom you can tell the absolute truth about your partner—and trust that they will tell you the truth right back? Family members, friends and clergy may want you to stay with your partner for their own reasons. A trauma-informed psychotherapist may be best. Or try an advocate from your local domestic violence agency. Try to avoid protecting your partner’s reputation by concealing certain things. Hiding reality does not give the other person enough information to provide you with an accurate response.
2. Take some time apart. Spending an afternoon with your friends or a weekend with a family member can provide space and calm to assess your relationship more clearly. Try to set boundaries around texts and calls so you can think about yourself and all parts of your life. Try to get your partner to agree to just one brief call at night. If you discover that you are not “allowed” to have this time apart, that’s good information about the ways in which you are not free.
3. Consider all sides of the relationship. Try to think about both the good and the bad, the pros and the cons. If you were raised to see the sunny side of life and only pay attention to the good, you may fail to give adequate weight to the problems and dangers.
4. If it’s safe, write it down. Keep a journal or diary of the good and the bad, with dates and descriptions. Having a record of the worst parts may help you hold your own if you do decide to separate at some point. Keep a record of the very worst days, along with the best. This will make you less likely to fall for your partner’s “good side,” when they promise to change and act loving once again.
5. Connect with others, nature and yourself. Reach out to friends, family and neighbors. Consider volunteering somewhere. Time spent in nature is healing. And center yourself in your life rather than looking for someone new to build your life around. Try to carve out time and space to listen to your own thoughts and feelings. This can be scary at first. Walking outdoors (if safe) provides both great exercise and an opportunity to think.

It’s Okay to Love and Let Go

What is love, really? Feeling good with someone. Caring about their well-being. Wanting the best for them. Do you feel this way toward your partner? Does your partner feel this way toward you? And—most importantly—does your partner treat you with kindness and support? If not, their loving words or gestures are empty. Sometimes, we can love a person while still knowing we need to let them go. Maybe we care deeply about them, but we know they are not good for us or our children. When that’s the case, it’s time to contact your local domestic violence agency and develop a safety plan.

It's extremely difficult to leave someone when you still have feelings of love for them. It gets easier with time.  

Jenny did finally separate from the father of her children, Michael. She felt that she loved him but hated how he treated her. Michael alternated between trying to win her back and making her life as difficult as possible. At first, she was filled with feelings of love and hate for him and even considered getting back together. Finally, she came to accept that she was not going to get what she wanted from a relationship with Michael. She grieved the loss of this dream. Separating from Michael hurt like a physical wound for the first few months.

As time went on and legal matters settled down, Jenny felt newly peaceful and content. With the help of her therapist, she overcame some of the trauma symptoms that had plagued her. She stopped wondering if she had “wasted” those years or worrying if Michael was okay. One day, she realized that she rarely thought about Michael, except as her children’s father. The edges of her love and hate had dulled into an acceptance of a hard reality. He had made her life very difficult for a time, and she had loved him, but he wasn’t truly capable of loving her.