Facing Holiday Challenges and Costs as a Domestic Violence Survivor

The holidays promise magic, but for many survivors of abuse, they also bring financial strain. When a partner monitors every dollar spent—or when someone has bravely left and is trying to rebuild from scratch—the cost of even the smallest holiday traditions can quickly become overwhelming.

FreeFrom knows this reality well. The Los Angeles–based, survivor-run nonprofit works to end gender-based violence by supporting survivors’ economic healing and autonomy. Financial abuse is one of the most pervasive tools of control, often intertwined with verbal, psychological, physical and sexual violence. It may not always leave visible marks, but its effects can affect a survivor’s life for years.

Financial Abuse Steals a Survivor’s Freedom During and After a Relationship 

“Sometimes folks in a relationship [with an abuser] may not recognize the totality of the financial abuse until a couple of years after the relationship ends,” says Kashira Ayers, FreeFrom’s wealth access program manager. 

She gives an example of a survivor who realizes that, while she was in the hospital recovering from physical injuries an abuser had caused her, he was running up her credit cards, causing her debt that would take her years to pay off. 

Other ways survivors lose financial independence as a result of an abuser’s control include:

• Abuse a partner inflicts may cause the survivor to lose her job, leading to ruined credit, defaulting on a loan or lease, or even becoming homeless. 
• An abuser may deny their partner access to shared bank accounts.
• An abuser may steal a partner’s paychecks or public benefits. 
• An abuser may force a partner to quit school. 
• The survivor may be forced to have children the couple cannot afford, called reproductive coercion, a way the abuser can keep the survivor dependent and trapped. 

Gifts Can Be Meaningful, but Recovery Comes from Feeling Safe

Gift-giving can bring a sense of joy to many during the holidays but is tough to do when the budget is tight. Survivors with children may feel pressure to overcompensate during the holidays with extravagant gifts. Ayers, a survivor herself, has felt that too. Her young daughter witnessed abuse from her former partner. 

“I poured my feelings into gifts, but what she just needed was a hug and an honest conversation about how she was feeling,” says Ayers. “What I would say to other moms who are trying to overextend themselves is to just pause and take a moment and reflect on where that is coming from. Consider what other approach[es] besides a gift or spending money you can give that person.” You can learn more about this type of healing in “Spoiling Your Kids the Right Way.”

In a recent webinar aimed at financial wellness during the holidays, FreeFrom talked to survivors about creating new, joyful rituals at the holidays, and some of the challenges that come with setting boundaries around this. It may include saying things like, “No, I can’t fly across the country this year to celebrate with the family. My peace—aka, my bank account stability—is more important right now. But I can join via Zoom!”

Or “That person is not welcome in my house right now because it’s not safe for me and my children, even if you disagree.”

Setting boundaries can be tough, especially when you’ve been with an abusive partner who may have restricted you from ever having a voice, but they can be learned. “Safe and strong relationships start from a foundation of understanding appropriate boundaries,” writes Irene van der Zande in her book Relationship Safety Skills.

Affordable Holiday Gift Ideas

Here are a few ideas, shared with permission, from both Ayers and some of the survivor participants in the webinar for finding or creating low-cost or no-cost gifts this holiday season. Minimal DIY skills required! 

• Themed gift exchange. If exchanging gifts with family or friends, suggest a fun theme and a price limit. For example, “The gift has to start with the letter of the person’s name and be $10 or under.”
• Write letters. Write meaningful letters to family members instead of gifts. Sometimes, sincerity can mean a lot more than objects.
• Quote Rocks. Find a quote that fits each person in your family and paint it on a rock using colorful paint pens or inexpensive paint from the dollar store.  
• Acts of Service. Gift someone your time or experience. Examples: You’ll cook their family dinner one night, you’ll watch their kids so the parents can have a date night or the mom can have an afternoon to herself, you’ll teach one of the kids how to sew her own dress, you’ll take a teen to a movie of his choice.
• Jar of memories. Fill a mason jar with slips of paper detailing your favorite memories with that person. This can be a keepsake they’ll hold on to forever. 
• Local adventures. For your kids, look for the free or low-cost options available in your city, and gift them a day out with mom. Think free museum days, discount movie theaters, kids-eat-free restaurants, or local festivals. Then create an itinerary outlining your adventure to come.  
• Scavenger hunt. Find smaller, simpler gifts at places like Dollar Tree or Five Below. Make them more exciting by creating a scavenger hunt in your home for kids to find them. 

Domestic Violence Survivor Resources and Support

The pressure to make the holidays picture-perfect can feel especially heavy for survivors still enduring abuse and those beginning to rebuild their lives. But meaningful celebrations don’t come from matching expectations found in holiday movies—they come from safety, connection and doing what’s manageable.

For anyone navigating financial abuse or its long aftermath, support is available year-round. You may want to start by reaching out to your Family Justice Center or your local domestic violence agency as they may offer holiday gift help to survivors. See the list in “Ask Amanda: How Do I Afford Christmas for My Kids?” for even more ideas.