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After separation, many abusers want to punish their ex-partners as much as possible. They try to take everything they can—often including the children.
This is a post-separation coercive control tactic. Coercive control is a pattern of behavior where one person tries to dominate their intimate partner. Coercive control tactics can include verbal, physical and sexual abuse, social isolation, financial control and so much more. As of publication, seven states currently recognize coercive control as domestic violence: California, Connecticut, Colorado, Hawaii, Massachusetts, New Jersey and Washington State.
Unfortunately, coercive control abuse often intensifies post-separation. Since the mask of love is gone, the abuser’s tactics emerge in full force; centering around pain and gain.
Pursuing dominance, coercive controllers aim for "maximum pain, maximum gain." Abusers manipulate the victim's emotions and behaviors to achieve their own ends.
This strategy leads to four main types of outcomes:
For example, an abuser might convince a judge to give them more parenting time, but then they neglect the child on visits. This has been called spiteful disregard – harming a child to “get back at” the child’s other parent. The goal of hurting the ex is more important than anything else. The abusers get what they want, and also cause their victim pain.
Abusers get what they want without causing their partner significant pain. These are the attempts to “win” that cause ex-partners to roll their eyes because they seem so petty. For instance, an abuser removes two door handles which he had previously installed before turning over the marital home to his former wife upon divorce. Or an abuser “accidentally” breaks their victim’s favorite mug while moving out, just because they can. Abusers feel like they have gained by exerting control over the situation and demonstrating their ability to "win."
The coercive controller inflicts maximum pain on their partner but does not receive their desired outcome. This shows up most often when a father triangulates and weaponizes children against their mother, harming the mother/child relationship. (Most often, mothers are the primary parent and the protective parent). The abuser’s actions here cause the mother pain, but do not actually benefit the abuser. In fact, as the children get older, they often begin to perceive the patterns and resent the abusive parent.
The abusers do not get what they want, and they do not cause their ex-partner direct pain. However, even though they do not win in this scenario, they may be able to inflict pain later. For example, if the coercive controller isn’t invited to a social event with mutual friends, they may publicly humiliate the ex-partner on social media or through shared contacts by sharing intimate information or stories. They will always find ways to punish.
Abusers use this strategy because it gets them what they want: control and punishment. They learned in the relationship that if they can cause their partner enough pain, their partner will submit to their demands.
The good news? Once you are separated, you do not have to put up with this anymore. There are a few things you can do to guard yourself from the abuser’s strategy of Maximum Pain / Maximum Gain.
While the abuser's goal is to inflict maximum pain and gain everything, your objective is the opposite: minimize their impact and maximize your own (and your children’s) well-being. The true gain lies in reclaiming your life and emotional freedom.
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