Blaming Mental Health Issues Lets Abusers Off the Hook

Key Takeaways:

1. Abuse is about control, not mental health. Framing domestic violence as a mental health issue excuses abusers and stigmatizes those with genuine conditions, while the real driver is coercive control.
2. Children are often weaponized. Abusers use children as tools of control—through custody battles, indoctrination, neglect or even murder—making them both direct and indirect victims.
3. Systemic failures enable abuse. Courts and lawmakers often prioritize parental rights over safety, and without stronger policies like Kayden’s Law, victims remain unprotected from escalating violence.

This past June in Washington state, three young sisters—Paityn, Evelyn and Olivia Decker—were murdered by their father, Travis Decker, who has yet to be apprehended. This gut-wrenching tragedy has once again exposed a troubling pattern in family violence. Media coverage described Decker as a "loving father who had mental health issues," a narrative that not only misses the mark but actively perpetuates dangerous misconceptions about abuse. 

This framing couldn't be further from the truth, say experts, and it's putting more women and children at risk.

Trauma Bonding Excuses Abuse

Christine Cocchiola, DSW, LCSW, one of the authors of this piece, works with women who are living through or who have escaped coercive control from an intimate partner. She describes how some survivors want to believe that abusers have no control over their actions, turning the blame instead on learned behavior because of childhood abuse; substance misuse;or psychological issues like stress, anxiety or depression.

“Victim-survivors frequently maintain trauma bonds with their perpetrators, a psychological attachment that persists despite the harmful nature of the relationship,” says Cocchiola. 

Trauma bonding may lead the survivor to feel both compassion and love for their abusive partner, but at the same time be confused about their actions. They may blame themselves for the abuse inflicted upon them, believing that if they only loved their partner more or in some way, provided more support and understanding, his abuse would stop. 

“This is problematic because it can provide abusers with ready-made excuses for their behavior. It may lead victims to rationalize or minimize the abuse, and delay recognition that the behavior constitutes abuse,” says Cocchiola. 

In essence, a trauma bond built on rationalizing an abuser’s behavior as a side-effect of something else can trap survivors indefinitely. They may feel crippling guilt at the thought of “leaving behind” a partner who is obviously suffering, minimizing their own danger level. 

Abusers almost always escalate. This can take the form of increasing control or intensifying physical violence. When escalation occurs, abusers may claim they “lost control” or “didn’t mean to,” but advocates emphasize the opposite: most abusers are fully in control of their actions. Their selectivity is telling — abuse is usually directed only at their partners, often behind closed doors, rather than toward everyone they encounter. This deliberate targeting reveals intent, not loss of control.

According to Cocchiola, recent research shows that traits of abusers frequently overlap with a  psychological concept referred to as the "dark tetrad.” This is a set of interrelated personality traits including narcissism, Machiavellianism (being manipulative and deceitful), psychopathy, and sadism.

“Among these characteristics, sadism—defined as the deliberate willingness and desire to cause suffering to others—emerges as the most consistently prevalent trait observed across abusers,” says Cocchiola, adding that this affinity for harming others seems to be a motivating factor for abuse, rather than a side-effect of other psychological conditions. In other words, abusers choose to abuse because they want to, not because they can’t help it. 

The Real Issue: Coercive Control, Not Mental Health

Abusive individuals exhibit specific personality traits characterized by a systematic pattern of behavior designed to exert power and control over others. This is called coercive control. Coercive control is becoming recognized as the underpinning of all abuse. An abuser using coercive control erodes a person’s freedom and independence through financial abuse, legal abuse, physical tactics, and sexual abuse, with the weaponization of children representing one of the most heartbreaking tactics employed by abusers. 

Examples of how children are used as pawns include:

• Engaging in neglectful or outwardly abusive parenting
• Using family court to remove custodial time from the protective parent
• Kidnapping children
• Indoctrinating children against the protective parent
• Murdering the child or children

Decker murdering his children is a terrifying example of how abusers may use the abuse or homicide of children to “punish” the protective parent. Other examples include 2-year-old Kyra Franchetti, 15-month old Prince Rams, 6-month-old twins Reese and Rose Hiatt, and so many more.  

Now widely recognized as the foundation of domestic abuse, coercive control involves one person systematically exerting power over another. This control can be overt or covert. When coercive control operates covertly, its insidious and nuanced nature can fool even the most perceptive observers. Abusive partners and parents may even present as stable and well-intentioned when they are anything but.

When an abuser can no longer maintain direct power and control, they often weaponize the systems meant to protect families—including family courts—and tragically, they use their own children as instruments of abuse.

Dr. Evan Stark described children in these situations as "secondary victims"—not because they matter less, but because the perpetrator's primary intent is to punish the adult victim by weaponizing the children in the process. The abuser's ultimate goal is to crush the spirit of their partner, and they will use any means necessary to maintain that control.

Decker had a history of violence and was ordered by Judge Jourdan to obtain an anger management domestic violence evaluation. His ex-wife, Whitney Decker, expressed concerns to the court: “He keeps getting more unstable.” She likely could tell Travis’ behavior was escalating and knew on some level that her children weren’t safe. But like many survivors of domestic violence, she may have believed it was her responsibility to get him help, a misnomer that places an undeserved burden of guilt on survivors.  

A Pattern, Not an Anomaly

This shocking story isn't unique. Women and children face greater danger with someone they know than with a stranger. 

In Cocchiola’s opinion, the fault lies with family court systems and policymakers who continue to fail the most vulnerable. 

“We saw this occur yet again this June with two-year-old Montrell Williams. During custodial time, Montrell’s father phoned his mother telling her he had thrown their child into the Bronx River alive. This is not a mental health crisis; this is a crisis of court professionals and legislators not understanding the pathology of abusers. This is a systemic policy failure that prioritizes parental rights over child safety. When we know that a parent has a pattern of controlling behaviors, we must protect the children from that parent,” she says.

In Washington state alone, there have been three attempts to pass the Violence Against Women Act with Kayden's Law. This legislation would ensure judges and court professionals receive proper training to understand how abusive behaviors by one parent place children at enormous risk. Yet Washington state legislators continue to vote against it. Only several states have passed Kayden’s Law, or some version of it, including Pennsylvania, Colorado, Tennessee, California, Utah and Maryland. 

In New York state, Jacqueline Franchetti has been attempting to support the passing of Kyra’s Law since her daughter Kyra‘s murder by her father during custodial time. Eight years later, Kyra’s Law, which would require judicial training and supervised visits when abuse has been indicated, still hasn’t passed. 

“Perhaps it could have prevented Montrell’s death,” Cocchiola adds. 

The Harm of Misattribution

Even as you read this piece, as part of the media coverage of domestic violence, we can all agree that the media in general could do a better job bringing attention to the epidemic of violence against women. Too often, headlines on domestic violence are sensationalized for the “clicks,”—the more people who read a story online, the more profit a news source could receive in ad revenue. 

By minimizing abuse as a “domestic issue” or an isolated “mental health crisis,” abusers may feel more empowered to continue abuse, knowing their victims’ stories may be doubted. It may very well boil down to ignorance among those who’ve never been subjected to abuse by a partner, or who endure it and believe others can or should do the same. 

“The reality is that most individuals do not want to believe that ‘evil’ exists and are even resistant to acknowledging the vindictive behavior of abusers. They diminish or dismiss the sophisticated deception capabilities of abusers, even when evidence demonstrates otherwise,” says Cocchiola. 

Attributing these murders to mental health issues—including suggestions that Decker suffered from "complex trauma"—is not only incorrect, say experts, but deeply stigmatizing to individuals who genuinely struggle with mental health conditions.

“Mental health issues do not equal murder. Character traits centered on exerting power and control over others—coercive control—that's what can lead to murder,” says Cocchiola. 

The Need for Systemic Change

The conflating of mental health or veteran’s affairs issues with family violence makes it clear that education about coercive control is desperately needed, says Cocchiola. This includes not only for the general public and the media, but for advocates, lawmakers and those within the criminal justice system. 

“Legislators still don't understand that children are at risk when one parent is an abuser. There is a lack of awareness that this problem is actually the remedy to prevent intergenerational trauma. Children growing up in these homes are not being protected, nor are their protective safe parents,” says Cocchiola. 

Intergenerational violence, also known as transgenerational violence, refers to violence or abuse that is originally perpetrated by parents, caregivers or siblings, and is then repeated by children when they enter a relationship in adulthood. This can mean children who grow up experiencing violence may either become abusers or victims of abuse. To say this passed-down abusive cycle is a mental health crisis of one the parents may ignore the trauma children are subjected to, delaying help and support they may desperately need. To learn more, read “Intergenerational Trauma: How to Break the Cycle.”

What Can You Do?

Recognizing the minimization of abuse is half the battle. Changing the laws that let abusers manipulate the system, and survivors, is next. 

“Reach out to your legislators. Demand better training for family court professionals,” pleads Cocchiola. 

To learn more, read “How to Pass a Coercive Control Law in Your State.”