What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Coercive Control, Financial Abuse and the Struggle to Leave

I used to believe abuse would be obvious. I thought I would recognize it by a single event serious enough to make leaving inevitable. Instead, my freedom disappeared gradually through missing passwords, unanswered financial questions, debt, damaged credit, intimidation and the constant need to manage another crisis.

By the time I understood the pattern as coercive control, many of the resources I needed to leave had already been weakened.

Why I Stayed

I tried to separate for years, but leaving requires housing, money, transportation, legal advice, childcare and credit. I did not have access to those things.

Staying on the same property did not mean I wanted the marriage to continue. It meant I could not yet afford a separate life while continuing to care for my children.

This is something I want other survivors to know: Your inability to leave immediately is not consent. It is not failure. It may be evidence of how completely your options have been restricted.

The Pattern I Couldn’t See at First: Invisible Financial Control

My abusive partner had the passwords, income information, tax records, account access and knowledge of where our money had gone. I had questions. When I asked them, I encountered blame, withdrawal, yelling and conduct that made me afraid to continue.

Debts connected to my name became unstable. My credit declined. I spent money I could not afford to spend trying to prevent further harm. Every financial loss made housing, transportation and legal help harder to obtain.

There was no single message saying, “You cannot leave.” The entire financial structure communicated it.

When Seeking Help Creates Another Crisis

I eventually sought legal protection. But protection required attorneys, evidence, time and endurance. The financial pressure continued while the case demanded more resources.

I considered withdrawing the restraining order request because I could no longer sustain the fight. I did not become safe. I became depleted.

Survivors often withdraw legal requests. These actions should never be used to automatically discredit them. Sometimes they reveal how few viable choices remain.

Justice Has Yet to Be Done

I continue to be subjected to coercive control in the court system from an abuser who has greater financial resources than I do. Legal representation for me is intermittent because I lack the resources to afford it. 

Being at a legal disadvantage impacts your career, health and children. Financial debts keep accruing and he keeps dragging it out for that very reason. 

The end of the story has not yet happened. There will never be justice in this. I have lost everything trying to escape an abuser, facing more and more obstacles at every turn with no accountability or reprimand for anything he has done.  It is unbelievable what I have endured and that the court system has perpetuated the abuse and allowed him to continue harming me and my children.

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me

• Save complete messages, not only screenshots. 
• Keep a private timeline of events. 
• Preserve credit reports, statements, payment notices and requests for information. 
• Tell a trusted person what is happening. 
• Ask advocates and attorneys specifically about coercive control and financial abuse.

Most importantly, trust the pattern in front of your eyes. If every attempt to gain independence produces a new financial, emotional or legal crisis, the problem may be larger than the individual incidents.

You are not weak because leaving took time. You were solving an impossible problem with limited information while trying to keep yourself and your children safe.

Editor’s Note: This article is part of Your Voice, an ongoing column published on this website by individual contributors in their own personal capacity and that involves the opinions, recollections and/or information provided by such contributors, and which does not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of this organization.