Preparing for Custody Evaluation Interviews After Domestic Violence

Key Takeaways:

1. Preparation is critical—survivors should document major incidents of abuse, organize evidence and come with specific, child-focused concerns and solutions for custody evaluations.
2.  Language matters—focus on specific behaviors and impacts on children, not inflammatory labels or personal attacks, to maintain credibility and clarity.
3. Be realistic and protective—suggest custody arrangements that prioritize safety while allowing for reasonable contact, showing you’re focused on the children’s best interests.

Legal battles around child custody can be brutal and may last for years. This is especially true if the other parent is a domestic abuser. As part of the process, you and the child’s other parent may undergo a custody evaluation. The stakes could not be higher. Judges often parrot the evaluator’s recommendations in their determinations of parenting time and legal decision-making. 

Different Terms for Custody Evaluators

States have different names for the people who conduct custody evaluations. These include Guardian Ad Litem (GAL), Parental Responsibility Evaluator (PRE), Child and Family Investigator (CFI) and more. They may be attorneys, mental health professionals or even lay people with minimal training, depending on your state. The depth of the process and its components vary a great deal. Make sure you or your lawyer have some say in choosing the evaluator. Some evaluators are biased, and many overlook domestic violence as a factor in the best interests of the child.

Nearly every custody evaluation involves interviews with each parent and each child. The American Psychological Association offers guidelines for child custody evaluations. For example, the children should be interviewed individually without either parent or other children listening in. You may be interviewed just once or several times. Here are tips for how to prepare for your interview(s):

Create a List of Abusive Incidents Toward You

If your ex abused you, write a bulleted list outlining the major incidents. Give each incident a name, such as “at the supermarket” or “New Year’s Eve” to make it easier for the evaluator to distinguish between separate incidents. Include the date, what occurred and any relief or intervention sought. For example, did you contact police, medical providers, your therapist or friends or family? Provide a paragraph or so about each incident. This document will help you keep the conversation on track, even if you’re nervous. Hand the evaluator a copy of the document at the end of your meeting so the incidents can be accurately integrated into the report. An item on your list might look like this:

Kicked Out of House, September 12, 2024: Came home from helping my parents at 8pm to find Chris drunk, the music blaring and the kids still up. I rushed to get the kids into bed and turned down the music. He got furious and started yelling into my face and pointing at my chest. I swatted his hand away. He chased me down the hall, grabbing my purse and car keys. He kept yelling for me to get the “F” out. The kids were screaming. He threatened to hire an attorney, take the kids away and say I was crazy. I ran out and spent the night in the car. Freezing. Our son unlocked the door and let me in the next morning.

Create a List of Abuse Toward Children

Make a bulleted list of the worst incidents of child abuse or neglect, if any. Include the date, what occurred, how the children responded, and any relief or intervention sought.  For example:

Neglect & Fall, March 2, 2023: I wasn’t feeling well this Saturday afternoon when I was pregnant with our second child and I told James I was going to lie down for a bit. He agreed to watch the baby. I was down about ten minutes when I heard her screaming. I went running out and saw that the baby had fallen down the stairs and had a big bruise on her forehead. After I picked her up, calmed her down and put ice on it, I found James in the den, playing video games. When I told him what happened, he shrugged and said, “She must have crawled away.” I never left him in charge of the children after that.

Also include a bulleted list of your concerns about the children. What are your specific concerns, if any, about the children’s well-being in the care of the other parent? For example, are you worried about the other parent driving drunk? Using corporal punishment? Frightening or verbally abusing the children? Does your ex have a substance abuse issue and if so, what does it look like? Do you have concerns about your ex’s angry outbursts? Does your ex refuse to provide medical care when needed? Does your ex fail to provide food, get the children to school late, or push them into dangerous situations? These are just examples.

Give Evaluators Outcomes You’d Like to See Occur 

Provide the evaluator with solutions that integrate protection for your children. Name what you would like to see as an outcome. For example, do you feel the court should take a protective stance? If so, does that include reduced or supervised parenting time for your ex? And if so, why? Do you think your ex would benefit from an Intimate Partner Violence Intervention Program? (Anger management is not effective because domestic violence is about control not anger.) Do you think your ex needs substance abuse treatment? Monitoring for alcohol use when driving with the children? Should legal decision-making be allocated to you and if so, why? How will this help the children? 

Come prepared with solutions, instead of leaving it to the evaluator to think some up. This will improve your chances of getting the protections that you think are best. Keep in mind that your children will get older and this parenting plan may stick with them for years or even more than a decade. So, while it might seem to make sense to have an infant go back and forth between the parents frequently, this will stress out a child who is in elementary school or older. Children tend to find transitions between the parents difficult. You will not get everything you ask for, but at least you are setting out some ideas.

Create a Digital File for the Evaluator

You will also want to provide a digital folder of evidence before your first meeting. (See "7 Tips for Custody Evidence After Domestic Violence.") The evidence should be organized by type of abuse with dates, descriptions and labels. This will allow the evaluator to review the evidence before your meeting and ask questions about the materials.

Things to Remember When Writing About Abuse

Survivors should:

• Avoid labels and inflammatory language when discussing the other parent. Do not call your ex names, say that your ex is a bad person or use disparaging language like “delinquent,” “deadbeat dad,” or say, “she never cared about the kids.” Instead, focus on the abuse that has occurred and how it harms your children. Speak the truth. But speak it using language that describes behaviors and incidents instead of slamming the person. Say “Sam lies a lot” and provide concrete examples rather than saying, “Sam is a liar.”

• Avoid labeling your ex with mental health issues. Abuse is rarely related to mental illness. Avoid labeling your ex with a diagnosis. Avoid the words “narcissist,” “psychopath,” “sex addict,” or similar terms. If your ex has been in treatment, share this with the evaluator and the evaluator may seek a record of that treatment. Remember that it is not your job to diagnose your children’s other parent.

• Avoid overly detailed stories. Think of the interviews like filling a bucket of information for the evaluator. Instead of filling the bucket with sand (the context and details of every incident of abuse), make sure you include the “big rocks” (major incidents of abuse) in the bucket first. If time allows, fill around the “big rocks” with context or sand. Getting your big rocks in the bucket first ensures your evaluator understands your story in a clear way. If you spend too much time on the details, you may not be able to discuss all the important incidents. And what may be most important to you (such as infidelity) may be of no interest to the evaluator, who is first and foremost concerned with the children’s well-being.

• Avoid demanding unreasonable solutions. It is extremely rare for a custody evaluator to recommend an end to all communication and visitation for a parent. Evaluators want to see solutions that ensure safety and also the preservation of the children’s relationship with both parents long-term. You might suggest limitations on contact with the children. For instance, you could ask for supervised visits only, or outings in public places with no overnights only until certain conditions are met (such as drug/alcohol testing or participation in a reputable intimate partner violence intervention program and associated parenting group). Ask for an order that is protective, but which doesn’t cut the other parent out of the children’s lives completely. Be the “reasonable” one.

Keep your conversation concise and focus on the children’s well-being. This will secure your credibility and help the evaluator see patterns of behavior that could harm the children.  Together with well-planned home visits and evidence, the interviews can help you obtain a legal outcome that will protect you and your children.