Ask Amanda: No, Being Abused Is NOT Your Fault

Key Takeaways:

1. Abuse is never the victim’s fault—survivors of childhood trauma may internalize blame, but responsibility always lies with the abuser.
2. Abusers often target survivors of past trauma, using manipulation and emotional tactics like gaslighting to maintain control.
3. Recognizing abuse patterns and seeking support from trained advocates can empower survivors to make safe, informed choices about their relationships.

Q: I grew up being abused and neglected by my parents. As an adult, I thought I’d found my Prince Charming, but I’m realizing now that he’s the same as them. I’m yelled at for everything I do and feel pretty much worthless. Sometimes I have to sleep in a separate bedroom because he says he can’t stand to be around me. 

I’ve started to feel lately like maybe this is on me…? Like, maybe this is my fault because it keeps happening to me, and maybe I’m just a bad person who isn’t loveable, and I can’t figure out how to make people around me happy. I don’t know—could there be truth in that?

A: Simple answer: No. I don’t believe there’s any truth in that. 

From what it sounds like, you’re a survivor of childhood trauma. You grew up in abuse, being abused and as such, you’ve adopted a set of beliefs that may not necessarily be true. Among them, this belief that you’re unlovable or unable to make people happy. Abusers don’t abuse because of anything the victim does. They abuse because they’re either broken or brainwashed or conditioned by society to believe they’re entitled to abuse. Take your pick. They don’t abuse because of something the survivor does or doesn’t do. Nor can the survivor, aka you, take on the burden of responsibility for making them stop abusing you. 

Childhood trauma can be measured in something called ACEs, or adverse childhood experiences. There are ten ACEs that experts have identified that most clearly cover traumas one can have early on in life. You can find the list in “A Comprehensive Guide to Childhood Domestic Violence.” Studies show that most individuals will experience at least one ACE in their lifetime. The effects of a higher ACE score can mean an increased risk of health complications like heart disease, stroke, cancer, diabetes, alcoholism and obesity. Beyond that, though, experiencing childhood traumas also increases the chances that you’ll be subjected to an abusive partner in adulthood or become abusive yourself. These changes are lessened if there is intervention by a consistent supportive individual in that child’s life to help them unlearn the lies that childhood abuse can cause. 

One of those very prominent lies that many children of childhood domestic violence carry with them into adulthood is the idea that they were somehow responsible for the abuse. Your parents likely used disparaging and victim-blaming language such as, “This is all your fault,” or “If only you behaved, we wouldn’t have to punish you.” They likely piled on the blame for their abusive choices onto your shoulders. This isn’t fair. You were a child, and you likely didn’t realize at the time that what was happening to you was wrong. As kids, we often feel like our parents are infallible. We assume that, because they’re the adults in the house, they know what they’re doing. And obviously, whatever choices they make, they’re doing it because it’s the right thing to do. 

It's only as we get older and get some distance from them that we begin to realize this belief isn’t entirely correct. Parents are human beings who also carry with them the trauma of their own childhoods. If they haven’t done the work to heal from any abuse they may have endured, they’re more likely to pass it on to the next generation—aka, you. It’s not an excuse for how they treated you, but it may help you more clearly see that this has nothing to do with you. It has to do with them. 

Because this childhood abuse was normalized for you, it may also feel familiar. Without realizing it completely, you chose a partner who emulates the traits of your abusive parents. You recognized something in him that you’d felt before, and healthy or not, it may have felt like something you could handle. Except, you deserve better. Way better. 

The way your partner is acting sounds abusive. Putting you down and shouting at you is verbal and emotional abuse. Torturing you by controlling where you sleep—or even, if you sleep—is a tactic of mental abuse. Blaming you for this by saying he can’t stand to be around you is a type of gaslighting—he’s trying to rewrite your memory of events as an argument that you caused through your behavior, which is not true. He’s blame-shifting–a manipulation tactic of avoiding accountability by shifting the blame onto you.

The more you can educate yourself about the tactics of abuse, the more it may begin to make sense that none of this is your fault. Anyone can be abused—it has nothing to do with any of the actions of the victim. However, abusers selectively choose victims who are often caring and empathetic and who will give them umpteen chances to make “mistakes.” They also look for vulnerable individuals, survivors like yourself who may have come from a difficult childhood and are eager to get away and find security with someone else. When the abuser knows you were mistreated as a child, that should mean they have an obligation to be more gentle and supportive. Being abusive knowing your history is even worse. 

Your partner sounds like he has some serious work to do. He needs to understand that he’s being abusive toward you and that it’s on him to stop this. If you talk to him about this, does he take any responsibility for it, or does he continue to blame you? My guess is that he’s not taking accountability. Your accusation of him being abusive could even anger him further. 

I think you should reconsider staying in this relationship. If your partner doesn’t believe his actions are abusive, that means he’s rationalized them in his head. He’ll continue to abuse you, and his abuse will likely escalate. What’s controlling and intimidating now could become scary, dangerous and violent in the coming months or years. 

These are some signs of escalation to look for. They mean that things are getting worse, not better, for you:

• Isolating you from friends or family and/or discouraging you from seeing them.
• Blaming you and others for his behavior; not taking responsibility for his own actions.
• Threatening you with a weapon.
• Pushing, shoving or cornering you.
• Destroying your property. 
• Threatening to hurt or kill your pets.
• Threatening to take away or harm your children.
• Does not respect your boundaries; keeps constant tabs on your activities.
• Displays excessive jealousy or paranoia.
• Pressures you to have sex or use drugs.
• Has a history of abusing others.
• Rages out of control with you, but can maintain composure around others.

My advice is to reach out to a domestic violence organization near you and speak to one of their trained advocates. They can help you develop a safety plan so that you can leave safely when you’re ready. Remember that only you know when it’s safe to go. Moving back in with your parents sounds like an out-of-the-fire-into-the-flames situation. But if that’s the only viable option, please get support from an advocate to develop strategies and boundaries that will reduce the impact of their abuse on you. Remember: You deserve to feel safe at all times.

Have a question for Ask Amanda? Message us on Facebook, X, or email AskAmanda@DomesticShelters.org. 

Ask Amanda is meant to offer helpful resources and information about domestic violence. If in crisis, please reach out to your nearest domestic violence organization for the guidance of a trained advocate.