What Is Emotional Abuse?

This piece was originally published in 2021. It was updated in 2026. 

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional abuse is a method of controlling another person through shaming, criticism, blame and manipulation.
• Emotional abuse is about control, not conflict. Through manipulation, degradation and gaslighting, an abuser systematically erodes a partner’s self-worth and independence.
• Emotional abuse often starts subtly and escalates over time. What may begin as ‘caring’ behavior can evolve into coercive control, isolation, and threats, sometimes leading to physical violence.
• Help and healing are possible. Identifying emotional abuse, creating a safety plan so you can leave safely and connecting with advocates and supportive resources can help survivors reclaim safety and rebuild their lives.

Emotional or mental abuse is when an abusive partner deliberately manipulates a survivor’s feelings to make them feel degraded, crazy and ashamed. 

Why would a partner do this? As with all types of intimate partner abuse or domestic violence, the goal is to control the other person. A survivor of emotional abuse may find themselves deep into a relationship before realizing that every choice they make is carefully orchestrated by their partner—from what the survivor wears to who they see and where they go. 

Below, we’ll help you identify the signs of emotional abuse, give you some examples of what it looks like as well as ideas for how you can disentangle yourself from an abuser using this tactic. 

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse (sometimes referred to as mental abuse or psychological abuse) is characterized by a pattern of making a partner feel worthless to lower their self-esteem. Over time, that partner may feel dependent on the abuser for scraps of validation, a type of gaslighting that the abuser uses to make the survivor believe only the abuser could love someone as insignificant as the survivor. 

Emotional abuse can often start subtly, with the abuser using the excuse of caring so much about their partner that they just want what’s best for them. Eventually, the survivor realizes they are under someone else’s control, and that caring is actually not kindness at all, but rather abuse.

Releasing yourself from that control is not as simple as giving a break-up speech and walking away. Even if the abuser has never been physically violent, the survivor may feel an innate threat to their safety and well-being, as well as the safety of others in their home, such as their children or pets. 

Signs of emotional abuse include:

• Bullying
• Degradation
• Name-calling
• A pattern of lying
• Gaslighting
• Shaming
• Embarrassing, in private or public
• Diminishing your accomplishments
• Coercive control
• Threats of physical abuse

Is Emotional Abuse Domestic Violence?

Yes, emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence. At its core, domestic violence is a pattern of aggressive power and control exercised by one person over another—most often an intimate partner. However, it can also be perpetrated by a parent against a child (or vice versa) or by another family member, such as a sibling, uncle, or grandparent. Emotional abuse can even occur against a roommate in a shared living situation.

Because it’s often subtle, emotional abuse can be difficult for victims to recognize and even harder to prove, allowing abusers to get away with it for an absurd amount of time. It’s also all that much easier to shift blame onto the survivor, branding them as the ‘crazy’ one, the ‘oversensitive’ one or the ‘dramatic’ one. This is called gaslighting. 

Together, these nonphysical forms of abuse fall under the umbrella of coercive control, a pattern of behaviors (e.g., isolation, intimidation, manipulation, stalking) abusers use to dominate their partners and limit their freedom. 

And like most forms of nonphysical abuse—verbal, financial and spiritual being other types—those who use emotional abuse often escalate over time to other forms of control, mainly physical forms. Soon, degrading words become threats of harm, and then actual harm. Tracking a partner on their phone escalates into showing up at a partner’s apartment, banging on the door and demanding to be let in. 

Are Mental, Emotional and Psychological Abuse the Same?

Mental, emotional and psychological abuse are overlapping terms that describe similar behavior. All three are types of abuse that aim to destroy a partner’s self-worth, independence and confidence so that they become dependent on the abuser. Separately, they may focus more on the following aspects:

• Mental/psychological abuse: Typically involves tactics that affect a survivor’s way of thinking. Mental abuse can change a survivor’s perception of reality and what they believe about themselves. This can look like gaslighting, coercive control or stalking. 
• Emotional abuse: Focused on manipulating a survivor’s emotions in order to keep them trapped. This may include embarrassment, shame, treating a partner as inferior or belittling them. 

Regardless of how a survivor identifies it, this type of constant control through manipulation and put-downs is abuse. 

Examples of Emotional Abuse

The examples below are fictional and meant to show how emotional abuse can present. It’s important to note that emotional abuse occurs across all genders and relationships and can be perpetrated by any gender against any gender.

1. Jason admits to having a temper. He gets angry quickly and with little provocation. It makes Riley feel like she’s walking on eggshells. He says he wouldn’t be so angry if Riley didn’t nag him about chores, bring up issues from the past, talk too much about her feelings or interrupt him when he’s watching television. Riley starts to think she’s the reason he gets angry. She considers going to therapy to work on being a better partner. 
   
2. Javier goes to sleep before his partner Priya because he wakes up early. But Priya likes to wake Javier up almost every night an hour after he falls asleep to give him a kiss or to ask him a question. Sometimes, she needs to vent about her day. Javier has repeatedly asked her to not wake him up, as he has a hard time falling back asleep. She accuses him of being selfish and not caring about her needs, and he wonders if this is true. 
   
3. One of the reasons Aisha fell in love with Darnell was because of his sense of humor. He makes everyone around them laugh. But sometimes he tells jokes in front of friends about how much weight Aisha gained after having a baby and how much she likes to eat. It makes her feel embarrassed, and she’s asked him to stop. He still makes the jokes, but other people do laugh so maybe it’s not that big of a deal. 
   
4. Arguments are a normal part of any relationship, but when Sam and Zahir fight, Zahir is subjected to the silent treatment for days afterward. Sam won’t even acknowledge his existence or answer him when he speaks to him. Luckily, if Zahir is extra sweet to him and begs him to talk to him, Sam eventually forgives Zahir. Things go back to normal again until the next fight. 

Is Emotional Abuse Always Hurtful?

No, emotional abuse can also prey on a survivor’s need for love and affection. An abuser may build up a survivor’s self-esteem through love-bombing, only to then subtly tear it back down and convince the survivor that the abuser is the only one who will ever love them. 

Love-bombing can also look like an abuser who starts off as a near-perfect partner, showering an individual in attention and adoration, resulting in that survivor falling in love hard with this seemingly ideal partner. Then, the abuser begins to control, intimidate or degrade the survivor. 

You can learn more about about this form of emotional abuse by reading: 

• It’s Not Love, It’s Love-Bombing
• From Romance to Isolation: Understanding Grooming

Questions to Ask Yourself to Identify Emotional Abuse

If you think your partner may be using emotional abuse to control you, ask yourself the following questions. 

Does your partner….

… put you down, embarrass or shame you (publicly or in private)?
… call you names?
… accuse you of being unfaithful without basis?
… punish you?
… ignore you?
… demand to know where you are every minute?
… treat you as inferior?
… not allow you to make decisions?
… rarely validate your opinions?
… threaten you?
… tell you that you’re crazy?
… belittle your accomplishments, aspirations or plans?
… forbid you from talking to or seeing your friends, family or coworkers?
… keep you from sleeping or make it difficult for you to sleep?
… act possessive or jealous?
… cheat on you and then blame you for his or her behavior?
… tell you that you will never find anyone better or that no one will ever love you?
… repeatedly point out your mistakes?
… attempt to control what you wear?
…control how you spend money?
… threaten to hurt or punish you, your children, your family or your pets?

Four Common Tactics of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can creep in subtly, and abusers rely on this. By calling you ‘oversensitive’ while doing any of the behaviors below, they can keep you doubting yourself at all times. 

1. Belittling

If an abuser regularly insults you, humiliates you or makes you feel bad about yourself, this is belittling. It’s a form of mental abuse that relies on an abuser tearing down your self-esteem in order to create a sense of dependence on the partner for self-worth. 

You may have accomplished something great at school or your job and your abusive partner completely ignored it. Or they might reply flippantly, ”So what? Anyone could do that.”

It might look like a partner who brings up your past mistakes just to make you feel bad about yourself. It also looks like a partner who blames you for their abusive choices and says things like, ”If you just didn’t make me so mad, I wouldn't act like this.” 

2. Gaslighting

If an abuser is making you doubt your reality, this could be gaslighting. 

Let’s say an abuser verbally berates you in front of your friends at a party. Later on, when you bring it up, the abuser says, ”That didn’t happen. Everyone knew it was a joke. You even laughed. You thought it was hilarious.” But your gut feeling is that this isn’t right. 

If an abuser repeatedly makes you doubt your sense of reality and your own memories, they are likely gaslighting you.

3. Brainwashing

If an abuser is attempting to manipulate how you think, this could be brainwashing. It looks like they are blocking you from making decisions for yourself or Dictating to you what the truth is (e.g. “You don’t want to go out with your friends anymore,” “You don’t want to take that job,” “You’re not a very smart person,”). It can also include exhausting you physically through forced labor or sleep deprivation, which impairs your decision-making ability. 

4. The Silent Treatment

If an abusive partner has a habit of shutting you out for an extended period of time after an argument, or for no reason at all, this is a tactic called the silent treatment. It can leave a survivor feeling despondent and desperate for a partner to acknowledge them. 

The silent treatment can feel threatening, as though you’re walking on eggshells, unsure if your abusive partner will explode in anger at any second. It can take away any feeling of joy or safety within a relationship and make you feel alone.

How to Escape from Emotional Abuse

Naming emotional abuse is painful—and it often comes with an impossible-feeling decision. You can stay and hope the behavior changes, even though it usually doesn’t. Or you can choose to leave before the harm deepens. You deserve safety and dignity. We hope you choose the path that protects you.

To escape an abuser using emotional abuse, it’s helpful to:

• Collect evidence, if safe to do so. This can be a log of abusive incidents, photos, recordings, police or medical records, or witness testimonies. Emotional abuse can be more difficult to prove than physical abuse because there are no bruises or black eyes to prove what the abuser is doing. 
  
  By keeping a log of the incidents (which often increase in severity and frequency), a survivor can show that an abuser is not relenting in their pursuit of control over the survivor, which places the survivor in danger of their abuse escalating to something physical and potentially life-threatening.

• Reach out to an advocate at your local domestic violence nonprofit and create a safety plan. This person is trained to help you safety plan so you can leave without further threat of danger. 
  
  A safety plan is a blueprint for leaving an abuser that prepares for all possible scenarios. It helps you organize your thoughts so you can leave more prepared and with less fear. You can DIY a safety plan as well. An advocate should also be able to connect you with local resources like emergency shelter or legal advice, and help you secure an order of protection. 

• Secure an order of protection (also known as a restraining order or protection order). This will forbid the abusive partner from contacting you in any way or coming near you for a set period of time. This is where your evidence will come in handy. An order of protection can include your children, pets and even additional family members the abuser may have threatened. 

• Leave when it’s safe to do so. When you live with an abusive partner, it’s unfair that the survivor is typically the one who has to flee the home, but the safest option is to go somewhere that the abuser can’t find you. This may be a shelter, a hotel or a friend or family member’s home that the abuser is unfamiliar with. 
  
  Once there, you can have your order of protection served on the abuser and decide on a more permanent, and hopefully, separate living situation. This may include asking a judge for a kick-out order that requires the abuser to leave the home and for the survivor to move back in, as long as you feel that’s a safe option. In that case, you may want to invest in some additional home security. 

It's important to make sure you don’t underestimate what an abuser is capable of, even if they’ve never resorted to physical violence before. An emotional abuser will rely on tactics like gaslighting to lure you back, saying things like, “But that never happened,” or “You’re remembering it wrong.” 

Don’t fall for it. 

How to Heal from Emotional Abuse

The effects of emotional abuse can be just as devastating as physical abuse, even without visible wounds. Over time, emotional abuse can erode a survivor’s self-esteem and cause long-term stress, fear, anxiety, depression, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and an overall inability to trust. A survivor may suffer from insomnia, chronic headaches and even suicidal thoughts. 

Healing from emotional abuse is possible. You may want to consider the following steps:

• Talk with someone who gets it. A trained advocate at your local domestic violence agency can validate what you’re going through. Finding other emotional abuse survivors can help you feel like you’re not going through it alone and remind you that abuse is never your fault. 
• Consider therapy. Learning how to trust yourself and others again is going to be a process, and a therapist can be a valuable resource. Rebuilding your self-esteem won’t happen overnight, but with the right support, you can learn how to undo the damage the abuser did. 
• Learn to set boundaries. Start small and work your way up. This could mean saying no to plans you don’t want to do and learning that it’s safe to do so. There are many different kinds of boundaries to set—learn more in “Types of Personal Boundaries You Can Set.” Later, when and if you’re ready to let a new partner in, you may want to read, “Understanding Boundaries and Consent in Relationships.”

Remember, if you had to shrink, go quiet, or become a ‘grey rock’ to survive, the problem was never you. Healing is about becoming fully yourself again—at your own pace. Every day away from someone who made you feel unworthy brings you one step closer to reclaiming your life and your sense of self.

Still not sure if what you’re experiencing is abuse? Ask Hope Chat by clicking on the chat box in the lower right-hand side of your screen. Hope Chat is trained to understand abuse and can help you better understand how what you just read applies to your specific circumstances.