Ask Amanda: Does Being Autistic Put Me at a Higher Risk for Dating Violence?

Q: I’m on the autism spectrum and have an anxiety disorder. I don’t usually see these as limitations, but they do make dating more daunting. I tend to mask by adapting to the personalities or preferences of people I’m around, especially when I like them. Sometimes I end up agreeing to things I’m not actually comfortable with, just to avoid conflict or seem more “normal.” So far, I haven’t ended up in a harmful relationship, but I worry that I might miss red flags and end up with someone abusive. That fear has made me reconsider dating at all—even though I really want a boyfriend someday. How can I date while protecting myself?

A: Your concerns are valid—abusers are known to be cunning and manipulative individuals. They look for vulnerabilities in people and exploit them. Unfortunately, being neurodivergent does put you at a higher risk of domestic violence and sexual assault, according to the stats. A similar increase in risk has been found for those individuals who live with mental health concerns. Studies show there is a higher risk of experiencing intimate partner violence at some point in your adult life if you live with depression, anxiety or PTSD. 

 This 2023 study (with a relatively small sample size, so take that as you will), found that all 24 subjects they interviewed who were on the autism spectrum and represented different gender identities, had experienced some level of intimate partner violence, domestic or sexual assault. 

Holly Schiff, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist, says qualities related to being on the spectrum or living with mental health issues such as anxiety, can make you feel like you’re not worthy of the same treatment as those who aren’t living with the same challenges. 

But that’s simply not true.

“Understand that voice is lying to you. Mental health struggles [and neurodivergence] do not make you unworthy of respect, kindness, love or safety,” she says. However, these qualities may mean you struggle more with self-doubt, and an abuser might exploit that through gaslighting. This can mean an abusive partner may make you believe that you don’t deserve any better and that you’re “lucky” to have them. 

“Neurodivergent individuals or people living with mental health challenges …typically have felt misunderstood or excluded, so an abuser may seem like the only person who actually ‘gets’ them at first,” says Schiff. “They may also have lower self-esteem, which can create the false belief that they have to accept poor treatment and will also engage in people-pleasing tendencies. Abusers tend to present as protective or helpful at first, controlling things under the guise of support. But this becomes coercive over time and is a targeted manipulation.”

Abusive partners rarely show their true colors right off the bat. They’re notorious for being charming, caring and kind individuals at the start of a relationship. Their tactics of power and control often start subtly. Survivors of all backgrounds, ages and walks of life can write off early red flags like jealousy, extreme affection, moving the relationship fast or pushing for immediate commitment, as seemingly romantic traits. In fact, many survivors that I’ve interviewed have described their abusive ex-partners as “Prince Charming,” which really gives that classic fairy tale trope a bad reputation. After all, can’t a girl believe in true love anymore?

Falling into the trap of an abusive partner is not the survivor’s fault. It’s the fault of the abuser who tricks them. But this possibility that things may go awry doesn’t mean you should consider giving up on finding a partner. It just means you need to have a healthy dose of skepticism, even when someone seems perfect right away.

The female subjects who were interviewed in the above study on autism and abuse said that they felt like being on the spectrum contributed to being less able to recognize when something was unusual in a relationship. They were also less able to communicate their lack of consent or desire to leave a situation or see hidden messages in other people’s behaviors. This is something called “masking,” which you alluded to doing. 

Masking, for those who aren’t familiar, sometimes referred to as “social camouflaging,” is a method of mirroring behaviors of neurotypical individuals in order to conceal autistic traits. This might include copying facial expressions of those around you to show a “normal” reaction to a situation. It could also mean reducing visible reactions when something triggers your sensitivities. For example, when a partner holds your hand and you want to flinch or move away, but don’t, even though you’re uncomfortable. 

You can probably discern how masking might put you at risk for abuse. If your inclination is to go along with something in order to not stand out, you may find it challenging to set boundaries. Your partner may assume that your consent is implied. Boundaries and consent are two very important parts of being in a healthy relationship. 

Here’s an easy way to start setting boundaries: On a first date with someone new, say “no” to something small. You’re at a coffee shop and he asks, “Would you like to sit outside?” You say, “No thanks, I’d prefer to sit inside.” Watch his reaction. Does he smile and say something along the lines of, “Great, that works for me”? Or does his expression look surprised? Does he try to change your mind or override your decision? “No, let’s sit outside. It’s a nice day.” If it’s the latter, this is a red flag, albeit a minor one, that shows he doesn’t respect your boundaries. And he obviously doesn’t really want you to make decisions. 

This isn’t a reason to immediately write him off as an abusive partner, but it’s something to note. If this sort of pattern continues throughout your first date, or first few dates—he implies that your opinions are wrong, he tries to convince you to do something he wants to do, even if you’ve already said no—then I think you have enough reason to reconsider him as a partner.  

Listening to your gut is going to be one of your most valuable assets when dating. After all, your gut instincts are hardwired to protect you. We’ve had them since cavewoman times. Lion nearby? Our gut told us it wasn’t a good idea to go pet it, but rather to run in the opposite direction instead. In the same, but slightly less terrifying sense, when you meet someone new, your gut should be sending you signals as to whether you feel safe being around this person. 

In the book, The Gift of Fear (which I constantly recommend everyone read), author Gavin de Becker lists 13 “messages of intuition”—things you may feel when you’re around someone that signal something is worth paying attention to. They include reactions such as anxiety, doubt, hesitation and apprehension. Often, we tend to write these things off, women especially. We may call ourselves “paranoid” in our own heads. After all, we’re conditioned to be polite, not disagreeable. That puts us at a much higher risk of going to pet the lion, if you will. What’s wrong with being paranoid anyway? It’s likely a lifesaving skill to have. 

To learn more about listening to your gut, you may want to read, “Ask Amanda: I Have a Bad Feeling About This Guy.”

You may want to consider writing down some of your boundaries. What are you OK with and what is a deal-breaker? These boundaries could be emotional, physical, social or even sexual. It’s easier to draw a boundary with someone when you’re clear where your boundaries are. 

Make sure to remind yourself often that you’re worthy of a safe, loving and fun relationship, neurodivergent or not. No one has the right to make you feel unsafe. A true “Prince Charming” doesn’t exploit your vulnerabilities, they strive to understand them and make sure you feel supported.

“Your struggles may shape how you feel or react, but they absolutely do not excuse someone else's cruelty,” Schiff agrees. “The voice in your head may have roots in trauma, past neglect or cultural stigma, but the message is still wrong. You are inherently worthy of safe, kind and mutual love. You are not lucky someone tolerates you.”

To learn more about the green flags that denote a safe partner, read “A Guide to Healthy Relationships.”

Have a question for Ask Amanda? Message us on Facebook, X or email AskAmanda@DomesticShelters.org. 

Ask Amanda is meant to offer helpful resources and information about domestic violence. If in crisis, please reach out to your nearest domestic violence shelter for the guidance of a trained advocate.