Calling a Hotline: What You Can Expect

Across the country, domestic violence hotlines have been set up with the sole intention of helping to end the epidemic of domestic violence by providing instant, nonjudgmental support. At most hotlines, trained domestic violence advocates answer calls 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including on the weekends, at 3 a.m., and on holidays. These voices of hope are ready and willing to lend an empathetic ear, answer questions or help survivors find shelter.

They’re ready … but are you?

If you’ve never called a domestic violence hotline or crisis line before, it can seem a little intimidating. Open up to a complete stranger about your most intimate and personal issues? Reveal to them secrets you might not have even told your best friend about?

Yet, in times of crisis, that’s exactly the point—you need someone to tell you that you’re not to blame. You’re not alone. And, there are options.

Maybe you’re still hesitant to pick up the phone. That’s normal; it can be hard to make that first call. We talked to Ken Noyes, chief operations officer at the National Domestic Violence Hotline about some of the common questions people have about this crisis line, undoubtedly the most well known of all the domestic violence hotlines: 1-800-799-7233. They’ve been answering the phones 24/7 since 1996, and have taken some 4 million calls since they began. In 2007, they launched loveisrespect.org, especially for teens enduring abuse. They offer the hotline 1-866-331-9474, an online chatting feature and texting option.

Most of these answers should apply to the more than one thousand local crisis hotlines as well. Most local hotlines are 24/7 and can have intimate knowledge of nearby resources, but may have more limited staff to answer calls. You can find the nearest local hotline using our search tool.

Why would I call a stranger at a hotline? Shouldn’t I just reach out to my friends or family if I need help?

“We certainly do promote reaching out to friends and family if you feel safe and comfortable doing so,” says Noyes. But, there are lots of people who wouldn’t turn to friends or family because they’ve experienced judgment, criticism or have experienced abuse in their own family.” The hotline, says Noyes, is staffed by nonbiased, nonjudgmental individuals, open and ready to discuss any topic based upon the caller’s needs.

They’re also knowledgeable about abuse. Whether a staff person or a volunteer, anyone who speaks to a caller has received 60 hours of domestic violence training. After that, they receive additional coaching and in-service training throughout the year. The Hotline also offers an online chatting feature, if you’re not much of a phone person, available 24/7 as well.

How do I know it’s time to make the call?

“The first thing to think about, before even reaching out to the hotline, is your safety,” says Noyes. “Are you safe in your relationship? Does your partner make you feel unsafe? And once you’re able to answer those questions for yourself, or for your children, then you can think about whether or not it’s time to have a conversation with an objective partner who can help you think about your options.”

Do I have to give them my real name?

No. Hotlines will let you stay completely anonymous, or you can give yourself a made-up name—whatever you feel comfortable with. But even if you do reveal your real name, your call is completely private and secure. “We are 100 percent confidential,” confirms Noyes. “We do not use caller ID. We will ask for their ZIP code only—to pull up regional resources.”

Will I ever get a busy signal?

On their busiest days, The Hotline is staffed with 60 people and callers will get an immediate response. On the rare occasion all the advocates are busy, callers are placed into a hold queue, “and the average wait time is under two minutes,” says Noyes.

I’m not looking to go to a shelter. I’m not even sure I want to leave my partner. Can I still call a hotline?

Of course. Explains Noyes, “Many people are not ready to leave. But they want to know how they can move their relationship to be a safe one, or manage their relationship without leaving. Our advocates are trained to help people understand abuse, and identify whether or not their relationship is healthy or unhealthy.” Sometimes, calling a hotline can help a survivor have that “aha moment” about what is happening to them, by pointing out signs and red flags that indicate their partner is abusive.

OK, let’s say I do call. What will the person on the other end of the line say? Do I have to start the conversation?

“Every caller is welcomed and thanked for reaching out,” says Noyes. “We know they feel anxious. We’ll ask them if they’re in a safe place to talk or chat. It’s critical that they have safety during that time, and it’s preferable if their partner is not around. If their partner walks in, they have the option to hang up immediately and call back when it’s safe.”

Next, you’ll be asked to tell the advocate a little bit about your situation. You can give as many or as few details as you feel comfortable with. “We may ask what they’re considering at this point … and ask them how they’re taking care of themselves. Self-care is extremely important especially while experiencing abuse,” says Noyes.

You’ll be asked if you need resources in the community, like shelter, support groups, lay legal help, counseling, or batterer intervention programs. Yes, batterers can call the line, too.

Who else calls the hotline besides survivors and batterers?

Says Noyes, “We take calls from survivors, from those who recognize themselves as victims, from perpetrators [abusers], family members, law enforcement, concerned others—you name it, we’ll take a call from anyone. We’re non-judgmental and open and supportive to every caller.”

In Jefferson City, Mo., the local hotline at the Rape and Abuse Crisis Service shelter is staffed by just one person at a time: the shelter manager on duty. Executive Director Alden Henrickson says they might get one call a day, and it’s rare that they’d ever come two at a time. But when the phone does ring, “We drop everything for the hotline calls.”

We posed some frequently asked questions to him about local crisis hotlines like his.

Why would I call a local hotline instead of a national one?

You might feel more comfortable calling a hotline in your community, one that is more familiar with local resources available, the culture of the town or city you live in or is better equipped to answer specific questions you have regarding logistics of escaping. You may have called a national hotline that referred you to a local shelter to see if there was room available. Or, you may already have a safety plan in place and are ready to leave your abuser, and need a local advocate to help you find a safe place to go, whether it’s the shelter or some other transitional housing option in your area.

What can a shelter manager do to help me if I call?

Shelters managers are the backbone of his nonprofit, says Henrickson. At their center, they have three who work the weekly shifts, and they receive 48 hours of training before they’re allowed to answer the hotline. The shelter manager can tell survivors who are ready to leave their abusers if there’s a room available at the 36-bed shelter, which serves nine counties in Missouri, and walk survivors through the process of coming in.

If the caller is looking more so for advice, information about abuse tactics, safety planning, legal help or something else that’s not shelter-related, they’re transferred to one of the domestic violence advocates or case managers on staff who have additional training and expertise in domestic violence issues. At a local hotline like Henrickson’s, depending on the time of day they’re calling, the survivor may need to wait while the shelter manager contacts an on-call advocate, sometimes waking them up in the middle of the night if the need is urgent.

Can I call a local shelter’s hotline any time, any day?

This will depend on the individual hotline’s hours of operation, though most are available 24/7. (You can find your local shelter’s hours by searching for one near you at DomesticShelters.org.) Typically, local hotlines are limited by how many staff or volunteers they have available to handle the phones. At Henrickson’s shelter, there is a shelter manager by the phone around the clock, so callers will always be able to reach a person whenever they need to reach out for help.

It’s a small town—how can I be sure no one will find out I’m calling my local hotline? What if I go to the shelter and see someone I know?

This is a completely normal fear, especially if the survivor lives in a town where everyone seems to know everyone else, or if the abuser is someone prominent in the community. Henrickson says, “We go out of our way to keep everything confidential. They [survivors] don’t have to reveal anything they don’t want to.” While many shelters track specific demographic information in order to apply for grants, giving this information is voluntary, as well as any other specific details you want to share, including your name or the name of your abuser. And, it’s up to you if you want to involve police.

“They’re under no obligation to report abuse to the police, if they don’t feel comfortable pressing charges. That’s up to the survivor,” says Henrickson. Additionally, there is a code of conduct in place that helps preserve people’s anonymity when they go to shelter. “You can’t tell anyone else who else is in shelter with you.”

If I’m ready to leave, how does the shelter manager determine if I’m eligible for shelter?

“For us, we’re certified as a domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking nonprofit, so a client has to exhibit [any or all of] those types of things to come in, in order for us to be covered by grants and funding,” explains Henrickson.

Some shelters may ask a survivor when the last abusive incident occurred. Often, it’s to help assess if the survivor is in immediate danger. But Henrickson says abuse doesn’t necessarily have to be recent in order for someone to seek shelter there. He acknowledges that it may take some time for a survivor to realize they are in trouble. “It can lay dormant for a long time, that feeling of ‘I’m in a bad situation.’ If they feel at risk now, we want them to come on in.”

Women and children survivors are welcomed at the shelter. They help male victims too, but men are placed at nearby hotels for the safety and comfort of women survivors who make the majority of their participants. This is the typical protocol for most local shelters.

Of the 208 individuals staying at Henrickson’s shelter in one year, 88 of them were children. He says it’s a sad, but promising, number.

“These women know they want a better life for their kids.”

What if your local shelter is full but you need to leave your home to stay safe? Read, “Finding a Safe Place,” which gives you five questions to ask yourself to help determine where you may be able to escape to. Also, consider reading Calling a Hotline When There are Barriers in the Way.