How to Divorce an Abusive Spouse Military Edition

Divorcing an abusive partner is a complicated endeavor. Abusers are never going to make it easy on the survivor because, for the majority of them, losing control over their partner is literally the worst-case scenario. 

If you also factor in that the abuser is a member of the U.S. military, separating from an abuser can add a whole new level of torture. Despite the military’s motto, “to serve and protect,” many survivors of abuse say that doesn’t always apply to them. 

Where to Start When Divorcing a Servicemember

There are several things survivors should think about when separating from an abuser who’s also in the military, says Michellene Burke, associate member of the American Bar Association and a certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician. Burke is a family court strategist and a court-appointed mediator specializing in domestic violence, juvenile and domestic relations.

Be careful who you tell. 

When you’re ready to leave, disclosing this to a fellow military spouse may not be your best bet. If they tell their spouse, who tells your spouse, it could put you in danger. Burke says that military chaplains are one possible place to start as counseling sessions with them are considered privileged conversations, the details of which cannot be released. Just be wary of any spiritual leader who justifies or minimizes abusive tactics in the name of religion. Another option is to seek private off-base counseling or a local domestic violence advocate.

Educate yourself on abusive tactics. 

Being able to label what’s going on with your abusive partner can not only give you clarity but also help you to explain your situation to others. DomesticShelters.org’s database of over 2,000 articles on all types of abuse is a good place to start. For Liz, she says it is  illustrative tools like the power and control wheel, as well as the post-separation abuse wheel, that really brought what her husband was doing to her into focus.

Get finances in order. 

If possible, says Burke, take half of the money out of any shared bank accounts and put it in a separate account only you can access. If you can’t do this without setting off alarms with your abusive partner, stashing cash is a back-up option. Prepare yourself for the abuser to try and cut you off financially. 

Make sure you get an MPO and inquire about a civilian protection order. 

An MPO should be issued if there is any incident of assault or abuse, says Burke. If not, seek a civilian protection order as soon as possible. An MPO cannot be enforced by civilian officers. Therefore, obtaining a domestic violence protection order (DVPO) in addition to the MPO is strongly recommended to ensure maximum protection both on and off the military base, says Burke. 

It's important to note that some states or areas may use different terminology such as TRO (temporary restraining order) or DVRO (domestic violence restraining order) instead of DVPO. The location of the servicemember, the family's station and where the abuse occurred can all affect where a civilian order of protection can be filed.

Assemble documents. 

It’s also recommended that military spouse survivors add the following to their go-bag, the necessities a survivor may pack before escaping an abusive partner. The following documents can be incredibly helpful:

• Copies of any recent leave and earnings (LES) statements
• Tricare info
• Chain of Command contact info of servicemember
• Current orders

Consider a burner phone. 

"If possible, have a ‘burner phone’— a prepaid phone with pay-as-you-go minutes—or a completely erased and reset iPhone. These can be used to communicate safely without the abuser tracking it,” says Burke. Old iPhones or devices (completely clean, erased and reset) can be used to access Wi-Fi at new, secure locations, as long as no old iCloud accounts or "Find My Phone" locations are active. 

“This is very important, as some survivors may have children who take their iPads and old devices to keep them occupied,” says Burke. Ensure that "Find My Phone" is turned off and the device cannot be tracked. This includes Life360 accounts, which many parents utilize. 

Prepare for victim-blaming and guilt from an abuser. 

“Servicemembers will tell their spouse, ‘You’re going to ruin my career’ to convince you to drop it,” says Burke, regarding claims of domestic violence. Other people related to the abuser, such as fellow servicemembers, family members and even those inside the criminal justice system, may blame you, the survivor, for admonishing a “hero.” Remember, there is no excuse for a partner to be controlling or violent, no matter what sort of accolades they may have accrued in their job. You deserve to be safe. Find a support system that can remind you of that.

Hire a lawyer. 

If finances allow, secure an attorney with experience in helping victims of abuse. In “How to Find a Domestic Violence Lawyer,” there is a list of questions you should consider asking your potential lawyer before deciding to retain them.

For even more tips and advice from Burke on navigating a divorce from an abuser, read “How to Divorce an Abusive Spouse.”

Liz Experienced Escalating Abuse From Servicemember Husband

Liz, whose name we’ve changed to protect her safety, has been married to a higher-ranking servicemember for over a decade. He’s been abusive for their entire marriage, but she admits it was hard to see it at first. Like most abusers, his abuse didn’t start off with outright violence. He was more subtle than that—there was emotional abuse and a lot of threats of physical violence. He’d lunge at Liz, cornering her with his body. Then, he’d gaslight her, shifting the blame for his outbursts onto Liz. 

“I lived in a reality where a lot of what was happening was my fault,” she says. “I couldn’t see the pattern.”

He controlled all the finances, too, something that, at first, sounded like he was taking care of her. She wouldn’t have to worry about money. Until, of course, she needed to access it. 

“I don’t even know what accounts he has where,” she says. “’Our money’ is not really our money.”

The Final Straw Was Hurting Their Child

Liz can see now, in hindsight, that her husband was restrained in his abuse. She suspects he knew that if he became physical with her, he would be more likely to face real consequences from law enforcement and his leadership. Abuse against children, on the other hand, can be played off as "discipline." Indeed, her husband wasn't so restrained when it came to the children. An argument between him and one of their kids escalated into a physical altercation. Their young child ended up terrified as well as physically hurt. Emotionally, the event took a toll on both the child and Liz. 

“This was a pattern with him,” she says. “He would control or dominate our kids and one of them would get hurt ‘by accident,’ according to him,” she says. 

This was her breaking point. Yet, she was terrified of her husband’s reaction if she reported his abuse to his command. And she was isolated in a place where the only people she knew were directly related to her husband’s career. On top of that, she didn’t have access to the couple’s cash except small amounts that her husband allowed. He had set up the perfect trap to keep her and the kids from escaping his control. 

The UCMJ Operates by Its Own Rules

One of the main complaints by survivors with servicemember spouses is that the military operates under its own justice system, the Uniform Code of Military Justice or UCMJ, which many survivors say unjustly favors the soldiers. Crimes committed on base are brought to the attention of that servicemember’s command to determine what corrective action should take place. Crimes committed off base are also brought to the attention of the servicemember’s command.

However, this sometimes has the effect of opening Pandora’s box. Liz, for one, knew that if she jeopardized her husband’s career, there would be consequences. He had threatened her before that she would face consequences if she reported his abuse. 

Burke helps women like Liz navigate the complexities of high-conflict divorces, a fancy way of saying divorces from abusers. She says domestic violence victims with partners in the military usually have two options: 

• Filing an unrestricted report of the abuse. The servicemember’s command will be informed simultaneously. Depending on the nature and severity of the abuse, law enforcement may also get involved. Note: In cases involving abuse against children, all reports must be unrestricted.
• Filing a restricted report of the abuse. This allows adult survivors to take advantage of Family Advocacy Program’s (FAP) support without alerting their spouse’s command or law enforcement. FAP is located on every base and was created to address domestic violence, child abuse and neglect within military families. They offer intervention strategies and support for survivors, as well as prevention and education, sometimes working with outside civilian organizations to do this. Note: Cases involving abuse against children cannot be restricted reports.

Unrestricted reports can sometimes put survivors in more danger. “If they immediately go to command thinking that …[command] will be automatically supportive, they might be in for a rude awakening,” warns Burke. In a mostly male-dominated profession like the military, some survivors have experienced sexism and discrimination when trying to report abuse, as well as antiquated beliefs that wives should just “suck it up.” Once a survivor has a better grasp of her next steps in the separation process, an unrestricted report may be a viable option, but even then, it’s important to safety plan for how this may affect the survivor physically, mentally and financially. 

For Liz, who had originally filed a restricted report to start getting help for herself, the case involving her child became an unrestricted report and led to multiple investigations. Her husband was removed from their home and Liz immediately went into protection mode. She made plans to relocate herself and the kids and hired lawyers to counter her husband's attempts to get full custody of their children as a way to punish her. She and the children were also issued a military protection order, or MPO, the military equivalent of a restraining order. Although the MPO is not enforceable off base, it has been taken seriously by civilian judges involved in their case. 

Liz now faces further custody action and divorce proceedings. Because she still can't access the couple's money, her husband has been able to use litigation abuse to exhaust her both mentally and financially. Still, she says, the decision to escape was worth it: "The financial stress of this keeps me up at night, but I remind myself that the kids and I are safe right now, that that's what matters most."