How Survivors Get Falsely Accused of Domestic Violence

Key Takeaways:

1. Survivors of domestic violence are often wrongly identified as abusers due to manipulative tactics like DARVO, systemic misogyny, and a failure by law enforcement to recognize patterns of control and self-defense.
2. False claims such as “mutual abuse” or “parental alienation” are frequently used by abusers to gain legal leverage, especially in custody battles, further traumatizing survivors and undermining their credibility.
3. Systemic reform and education within the justice system are urgently needed to protect survivors, ensure accurate identification of abusers and prevent the misuse of legal processes as tools of continued abuse.

If you’re a domestic violence survivor, you may find yourself facing a difficult situation. When you seek help, instead of getting protection and support, you could be accused of being the abuser. 

There are a lot of reasons this type of accusation could happen, including manipulation, misogyny or lack of education in people working in the system, or a misunderstanding of what you did to defend yourself. 

Here’s what you should know about these false accusations.

How Do Domestic Violence Survivors Get Accused of Abuse?

Abusers frequently use a technique called DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) to shift blame and claim they are the true victim. With DARVO, an abuser may:

•  Gaslight a survivor as a way to deny what happened.
• Attack the survivor’s credibility, which can make the survivor feel responsible for the abuse. 
• Claim that the abuser is the victim.

This tactic may work when law enforcement isn’t trained properly to identify the primary aggressor, so officers arrest the survivor instead. There is also a false narrative that says women frequently fabricate claims of abuse as some kind of retribution, something advocates and experts say is extremely rare. According to a 2008 study by law professor Nicholas Bala and three other researchers, in the context of custody disputes, mothers make deliberate false reports less than 2 percent of the time. Fathers are 16 times more likely to make deliberate false reports which contributes to disbelieving true reports made by mothers. However, the lie is often weaponized by abusers to blame victims. 

“Misidentifying survivors as abusers erodes trust in law enforcement and criminal justice. It prevents women from seeking help, even from allies and advocates,” said Carrie Ann Cleveland, LMFT, LPCC, a certified high conflict divorce coach. 

Cleveland specializes mainly in trauma that stems from narcissistic abuse, often in divorce cases or custody disputes. “One of the hardest truths I have to tell my clients is that even if they leave an abusive [partner], they must still be prepared for the abuse to continue, just in other forms.”

Misogyny Within Law Enforcement

Prejudice against women among those in law enforcement influences how domestic violence cases are handled. Systemic biases may make it more likely that the male partner’s account of events will be considered true. This tendency isn't only a matter of individual officers having prejudiced viewpoints. It’s a structural issue rooted in outdated assumptions and beliefs about gender and power.

Police officers, prosecutors and judges may subconsciously — or consciously — default to the stereotypical viewpoint that men are rational, and women are overly emotional. 

So, when a survivor reports abuse, she might be viewed as unstable or aggressive, especially if she is distraught or defensive. She might not be viewed as someone experiencing a crisis. On the other hand, an abuser who appears calm and persuasive may be seen as more credible, even when evidence contradicts his claims.

The Myth of Mutual Abuse

As a survivor, you may be falsely accused of mutual abuse, which is a theory that both partners are equally violent and both are responsible for the conflict. However, it’s clear that mutual abuse does not exist. Abuse is about power and control, and in nearly all cases, one person is clearly the aggressor.

If you fight back, that isn’t mutual abuse. It’s reactive violence. You are defending yourself, not causing ongoing harm. 

“Self-defense is often mistaken for aggression, especially when peace officers use a checklist approach without assessing for patterns of control or fear,” Cleveland said.

When law enforcement and courts don’t recognize the difference between mutual abuse and reactive violence, they attribute blame equally to survivors and abusers. Survivors can face unjust arrests and unfair legal consequences. Plus, abusers can continue to manipulate the system in the future with claims of mutual abuse.

Parental Alienation as a Weapon Against Survivors

As a survivor, if your children aren’t safe with the abusive parent (statistically, this is primarily the father), you may try to restrict the father’s time with the children to protect them. You might refuse visitation, get a restraining order or move away.

“Parental alienation syndrome” is a debunked term abusers and their legal team use to accuse the protective parent of turning the children against him. The abuser frames your protective actions as attempts to “steal” the children.

While some cases of parental alienation exist, abusers more frequently use the “syndrome” as a tactic to gain legal leverage and control over survivors. Courts sometimes buy into this false narrative.

"I am appalled by the increasing frequency of false accusations of abuse that I see in my practice and within the legal reform and advocacy work that I do," Cleveland said. “Most survivors are aware that our justice system is not just, and that once they leave the relationship, especially if they have children with their abuser, they have almost no control of what comes next, and may even lose their children due to false claims made by their violent ex.”

The Consequences of False Accusations

If you’re a survivor and you’re labeled as an abuser, it’s natural for you to lose trust in the police and the criminal justice system. You might stop seeking help altogether, because you might be afraid you’ll be arrested, not protected. 

“More and more often, I'm hearing from my clients that they would rather stay [with] the abusive [partner]. There, at least they have some semblance of control. They can anticipate what their abuser's actions will be, and they have more ability to protect their children. They do not trust the police, the courts, DCFS [Department of Children and Family Services], teachers, therapists, pediatricians or other mandated reporters,” Cleveland said. Mandated reporters are individuals who are legally required to report suspected child abuse to authorities.  

“Sadly, most mandated reporters are not speaking up — they too fear the narcissists, don't want lawsuits or malpractice suits filed against them, and don't want to jeopardize their jobs or licenses.”

False accusations could even lead you to lose your support system. Many abusers are charming and persuasive, and the abuse almost always happens in private. Your family and friends may believe the false narrative the abuser has constructed and turn against you. 

To make matters worse, the fact that the legal system doesn’t always distinguish survival instincts from aggression leaves many survivors behind bars. Survivors who fight back may be punished harshly for acts of self-defense that may have saved their lives. 

“We are arresting women for protecting themselves from their abusers. Justice cannot be blind. Context must be considered,” Cleveland said. When survivors are found guilty, they often face longer jail sentences than their abusers. 

Preventing False Accusations of Domestic Violence

It’s hard to prevent these types of false accusations on your own. It’s a problem that needs to be addressed on a bigger scale. "Sometimes it seems we must dismantle the entire legal system and rebuild it in order to ever see true justice," Cleveland said.

Advocates and survivors need to push for better education on identifying the primary aggressor, so law enforcement has a better understanding of the realities of intimate partner violence. They need to understand that reactive violence is self-defense, and mutual abuse doesn’t exist and can lead to wrongful arrests.

"There needs to be more education in all stakeholders within our legal system — judges, guardian ad litems, co-parenting therapists, parenting plan coordinators, custody evaluators, police, DCFS, lawyers and mediators. People in these positions, and many more, desperately need more education. We also need a system that recognizes these issues and, most importantly, has the power to make orders and enforce them," Cleveland said.

Legal protections need to be strengthened for survivors who act in self-defense, and clear policies must be implemented to prevent abusers from using false claims as weapons. Empowering survivors with resources and support is key to breaking the cycle of manipulation and injustice.